


Your Mind Is A Wonder and Your Eyes are the Stars

by ThingsThatRuinedMyLife



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mild Language, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5360816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThingsThatRuinedMyLife/pseuds/ThingsThatRuinedMyLife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is an aspiring writer and is happily married to his high school sweetheart Sara. He has finally found peace after running from his past for so long.  That is, until he meets a cocky, leather wearing,  ill-mannered man in a coffee shop and everything he's ever known is altered. Including his perception on love, self acceptance, and morals. Will Phil take the risk his heart has always yearned for? Or will he forever be tied down by his past?</p><p>Excerpt: It seemed as though time had stopped, they were alone together in a world so filled with love no hate could disturb it's eternal peace. They were infinite, they were beautiful, they were in love.</p><p> It was only when those words left the fragile broken boys lips, did the man underneath them heal. They broke separately, but became whole once again together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Why won't you look at me?" Phil cried out. His heart ached as he saw the boy knelt before him sobbing into his sweater sleeves.

"I-I can't. I'm so ashamed."

Phil sank to the floorboards as he tried to comfort his best friend, he would do anything for him.

"I like you, and not in the way that I should." Those words changed Phil's whole life, and he so desperately wished he was allowed to feel that way too.

Phil put his hand on his friends shoulder, forcing him to look at him. Tears were steaming down the younger boys face staining his delicate features.

The two sat there, Phil's gaze never left the other boys, trying to convey how much he truly wished he was allowed to like him back too.

Before Phil could register what he was doing he was leaning in, his heart frantically beating against his rib cage.

The younger boy closed his eyes and their lips connected. They didn't know quite what to do at that point.

Phil decided to go with what he had seen in every movie ever.

He leaned his head to the side, deepening the kiss. Phil's mouth began moving with the other boy, his hand falling from his shoulder to his hand.

They kissed, fingers entwined. Phil knew this couldn't be that wrong if it felt so right. Although that was how the devil worked, as his father had told him.

Fireworks ignited in his small chest, blinding his heart from the possible wrongness of it all.

Phil didn't hear the sound of footsteps outside his door.

He didn't hear the distinct noise of the old doorknob, twisting and creaking open just like it had a thousand times before.

"What the hell?"

Phil jumped at the sound of his older brothers voice, pushing the boy away from him.

Phil look into his brothers eyes and was met with only disappointment.

"Get out." Was all his brother said.

The boy ran out, tears rushing down his face.

Before he left he stopped in the door frame and looked Phil in the eyes, an expression of shame and tragedy etched across his youthful face.

"Don't ever talk to me again." The boy spat.

Phil was left with a bruised eye and a broken heart.

He would never feel the same again

.........

"We can't just do nothing about this Debby! He needs to be punished!"

Phil couldn't help but over hear every aspect of the conversation his parents were having.

"Frank you've already punished him enough, he's got to go to school with a black eye because of you!"

"The fucker deserved every hit, don't you dare take his side!" His father spat, throwing a vase against the wall.

"Stop it right now!" His mother commanded, pain leaking through her fragile words.

"I didn't raise my son to be a faggot Deb, I will not stand for this."

Phil sat on his bedroom floor, his head rested against the bare wall.

He didn't cry,

not for himself,

not for his mother,

not for his friend,

not for his brother.

Instead he felt anger. Pure unfiltered pre-adolescent rage.

He clenched his fist and punched the wall leaving blood stains on the once pure white surface.

"I hate this, I hate him and I hate myself." The words sank in like venom against his tongue.

"I'll never be the son he wanted."

"He'll never be my son."

"I'm a failure."

"He's a failure Debra, a fucking failure.

..........

"We're moving." His mother said flatly. His father standing behind her, his chest puffed out as if he needed to prove just how macho he was, in an attempt to ward off any "homosexual thoughts".

Phil snickered at the thought.

"What's so funny?" Came his father's rough voice, slicing through the thick atmosphere like daggers.

"Nothing ." He said, earning a grunt from his father.

"Were moving to a small place in Whales." His mother said, her voice gentler than his fathers, but still laced with anger and disappointment.

Phil dropped the book he had been engrossed in.

"What the hell mom?"

"Watch your language boy this is a house of God."

Phil scoffed, this was absolutely absurd. They couldn't just move him away from his friends, from his home.

"What did you think just moving me out of the city will clear my head? That it will make it so kissing him never happened?" Phil spat. His parents stood there in awe. Phil was always such a good boy, he never spoke out and got good grades. This was his parents worst nightmare.

His mother broke out into tears,

it was an act.

His father's face turned beat red, a vain bulging from his rather large head.

"You see what you've done to your mother?"

Phil stood up, grabbing his backpack and shoving his book and sweatshirt into it.

"I didn't do anything. I'm going out for a while don't bother looking for me."

Phil's father stood blocking the doorway.

"You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay locked away in here and think of what you've done."

His father threw his backpack to the floor causing the contents to spill out. Phil threw himself onto the bed, the sound of the springs bouncing under his weight echoing in his ears.

His mother and father walked out leaving him completely and utterly alone.

Fine if you won't let me out I'll just sneak out.

Phil had never done something like this before, but he was determined to get as far away from this hell as possible.

He choked back the lump that had permanently formed itself in his throat and gathered his stuff up.

He pushed open his window, the cool summer nights air brushing against his delicate features, he looked back to make sure no one was coming in the check on him. As if they would cared that much.

Phil closed his eyes, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. He took a deep breath and took the leap.

His sneakers landed against the wet grass and he lost his balance for a moment.

As steadied himself he looked back, he could see his parents silhouettes in the curtains. His father's arm raised whilst his mother coward in the corner with arms raised to protect herself.

Phil turned away just as he heard a sharp slap echo through the barren streets.

He ran far away, leaving his family behind,

only for a little while.

...........

Phil didn't know where he was going exactly, he just had to go somewhere.

His feet lead him to a small cliff over looking the ocean. He sat on the sodden grass and removed his backpack from his shoulders. They were already carrying too much weight as it was.

Phil loved the ocean, it's waves forever crashing against the rocks, letting the moon pull them back and fourth. He loved how you could look for miles and only see blue on blue, that you could just get on a boat and escape humanity. You could be truly alone, just you, the salt sticking to your skin and the sky in your hair.

He hated the beach though, which was very ironic.

Phil sifted through the small blue bag searching for his only escape.

His hand touched the small carton and it sent sparks through his finger tips, electrifying his system. He could already feel the effects just at the mere thought of it.

This was his fist rope.

You see, the ropes were something that pulled him away from reality. Nicotine was a whole different rope, it had a velcro grip, magnetic. Begging for you to come back for more. It scratched your soft baby hands when you gripped its coarse horse hair. And when you cried out for help, it only pulled you back in further.

You see the ropes aren't real. They're a part of Phil's imagination, something that he thinks is good and can help him, but turns around and twists his heart inside out, spins his wrists around, and winds its way around his lungs. It grows worse with time. They multiply and tie themselves in with emotions. That's when they become truly dangerous. If only he had tried to stop them when he was young, maybe things wouldn't have been so bad.

Phil pulled out his lighter and a cigarette from the carton watching the lighter emit sparks before catching a flame.

He lowered the cigarette towards the flame, admiring the way it ignited so quickly, as if it was almost desperate for his lips to make contact with it's deadly tip.

He inhaled the toxic fumes, allowing it to collect in his lungs before blowing out.

He watched as the smoke escaped his prison of a mouth and traveled up towards the stars.

It was unfair really, how the smoke got to leave its prison and then just disappear with no consequences, and oh how he envied it. There was some beauty really, to this toxic habit. You just have to look deep enough.

Phil set his hand, occupied with the cigarette, down on the grass and let the chemicals take over. He felt the rush the nicotine gave him, letting the drug run through his system and his heart surged.

He was completely alone, and it had never felt better.

...........

Phil moved to Rhyl, Wales. It was a small town with a population just over 60,000.

It was supposed to clear his head of all the sin the city had supposedly put in there.

It was a load of bullshit to Phil of course.

Through the years of living there, Phil had gotten to know some of the locals and became very close to one in particular. Her name was Sara. She was another English person thankfully. Sara was wonderful and beautiful and everything he could have ever wanted. If only Phil could feel something other than emotional attraction to her.

Sometimes at night Phil would think about his past in Manchester, he would think about his old best friend and his lips against his. He wish he felt like that when he kissed his new girlfriend. Somewhere deep inside, he knew it would never be like that again.

He would lay there staring up at the ceiling. The same song playing in his head phones over and over again, replaying his sorrows each time the song restarted.

He would hear his parents talk about how much better he seemed. That they finally had their son back.

What they didn't know, is the boy that came down to breakfast each morning and said farewell to them at night, was far from there son.

Phil didn't even know who he was anymore.

The ropes were stronger now. They would choke him in his sleep and break his bones during the day. They wrapped their tendon-like bodies around his heart and tainted his mind. The ropes whispered sick lullabies in his ears while he slept. Their songs created a thick black haze that settled over his mind. He was sick and nobody could hear his pleas, for the ropes had swallowed them whole. They curled their thick coarse black bodies in his stomach. Ropes turning hope into guilt, it morphed joy into hate, heavy on his heart, seeping into the cuts they left behind. It ate him away into nothing, until the very pain that put him to his death at night woke him up in the morning.

When the sadness felt unbearable, Phil would take one look at Sara and feel nothing but joy. She had a way of making the ropes feel powerless. Like they were truly nothing than a mere thought, only a fleeting feeling of despair, like a thundercloud just waiting to pass. The thoughts would vanish and be replaced with thoughts of her. With the way her auburn hair fell just so, the way her eyes sparkled in the light. How delicate her hand felt enclosed in his.

He knew one day she'd want to do more, he'd just have to prepare himself for it when the day came.


	2. One Caramel Macchiato Please

Phil's heart beat frantically in his chest, ropes were tightening, head in a tizzy, he woke up covered in a thick layer of sweat gasping for air.

"Honey are you alright?" Sara asked wiping the sleep from her eyes.

They had gotten married just three months ago. Phil knew he would have to fake physical attraction to her, he just didn't know he was going to have to fake his whole life with her.

Phil sat up running his hands through his sticky jet black hair.

"Yeah, it was another nightmare don't worry." His voice raspy from sleep.

He looked at his alarm clock, it was five in the morning and he'd have to be up in an hour or so anyways.

"I'm going to have a quick shower before work." He said giving her a quick peck on her smooth forehead. She smiled and rolled over back to sleep.

Phil got up and shivered when his bare torso made contact with the frigid air.

As he stepped onto the cold tiles and stared at his reflection. His black hair stood up in every direction, bags hung beneath his pale blue eyes. He was an absolute wreck.

He ran his hand across his ashen face and turned on the shower, the room instantly filling with steam clouding his reflection.

His peeled of his boxers and stepped into the steady stream of water pouring from the rusted spout.

His hand ran through his hair in a petty attempt to wash away the nightmare. No matter how hard he scrubbed Phil couldn't erase the memory of the dream. He was back in his old house, his father screaming at the top of his lungs. In the dream, Phil tried to speak but no words would come out. A lump permanently forming, but no tears would fall. He was emotionless but chalked full of it at the same time. His mother cried on the stairs, her shrill screams traveling up Phil's spine and permanently tainting his mind.

Phil ran out in the dream to his friend, but he screamed at him as well. The quiet voices chanted in the back of his mind.

"Just kill yourself Phil."

"Nobody likes a fag anyways."

Phil shuddered despite the warmth of the water being pelting down his back. He turned off the tap and got dressed, avoiding his reflection in the mirror.

He stepped out, water droplets still running down his face from his hair.

"Have a good day at work, Phil." Sara said, offering him a warm smile. All thoughts of his dream vanished.

He kissed his wife on the cheek and grabbed his grey overcoat, heading off to the small newspaper company he worked for.

As Phil walked down the narrow street towards his job he took a small detour to his favorite coffee shop.

He pulled the collar of his overcoat up and braced against the frigid autumn winds rushing towards the warmth of the store.

The door opened ringing the small bell indicating a customer had arrive. Everyone glared to see who had let the cold air in, but quickly went back to their business after they got a good look at the culprit.

The barista greeted Phil and he ordered the usual, a caramel macchiato with whipped cream. The man behind him snickered.

Phil turned around to see a man in a leather jacket and black skinny jeans with hair so poorly straightened he could see some already beginning to curl, it was slicked back but it looked as if it was naturally like that, without the typical sheen that comes with the over usage of hair products.

"Excuse me?" Phil asked, already agitated with the cocky smile displayed on the mans face.

"I laughed at you." He said obviously unaware of a certain thing called empathy.

"You know, I made fun of you."

Phil was astounded, how could someone have so little regard for someone else's feelings? I mean sure he only laughed at his coffee choice but, it was a bit rude.

"That was a bit uncalled for." Was all he could think to say.

"I think it was perfectly called for, that drink is possibly the gayest sounding drink I have ever heard of."

Phil was astonished, but intrigued.

He decided two could play at this game.

"Well have you ever tried the drink, Mr. Oh-So Hetero?"

"Well no I haven't , and how do you know that's my name? What if it was Mr. Questionable Queer?"

"I assumed you would have taken offense to me calling you that, since gay is clearly on your list of insults." Phil said, becoming more and more perplexed by the second.

"You obviously don't know me very well then."

"Obviously not."

"Sir your drink is ready!" The man at the counter said, handing Phil his sugar filled drink. Phil nodded and handed him the money and walked towards the door.

Before he left he heard the stranger say, "I'll have one caramel macchiato please."

With that Phil left with a smug expression plastered on his face and headed off to work.


	3. Falling in Love Again

Phil walked down the streets illuminated only by a single dim street lamp. It had been a week since he had the encounter with the stranger and he couldn't shake him from his mind. His cocky grin and deep strangely seductive voice haunted his thoughts. He had to go see him again some how. Phil didn't really expect him to be here at this hour but he could use some caffeine after a long day.

He heaved open the door, the familiar bell chiming over his head. The cafe was nearly empty which was expected at nine o'clock in the evening.

Phil ordered the usual and took a seat near the back of the small shop. He searched around for the familiar face, his heart sinking slightly when he didn't see him.

The barista gave him his drink and he left, trying not feel too disappointed.

Phil didn't want to go home quite yet, feeling a bit of wander lust rise within him. It was moments like these where his small house in Wales with Sara was far too confining. He felt suffocated in the small village when he longed for nothing but freedom. Oh how he wished to travel the world, to touch the skies and witness the stars and planets above him. It was his dream to go to hundreds of different places and write about them. To document every facial expression he would witness, of the millions of different landscapes that would fill his mind with wonder, of the accents that would bless his ears with the exotic way they fall off of the native tongues, or the beautiful architecture still thriving thousands of years later that would make his very existence feel insignificant.

Phil's feet lead him to a bridge over looking the vast sea before him. It filled him with hope that one day he wouldn't have to wonder what's out there. That someday he'd only belong to the land and the sky and nothing more.

"You know you'd probably sleep better if you didn't drink so many of those."

Phil spun around to find it was the mysterious man he'd been searching for. All wonder lust infused thoughts Phil had were momentarily forgotten.

"Am I that weird looking to leave you speechless like this?"

Phil opened his mouth to say something but his brain failed him, leaving him only with a jumbled mess of syllables.

The stranger chuckled and walked over to the edge of the bridge with Phil, leaning over it as if he was trying to get as close as possible to the sea without falling off the edge.

"What are you doing here?" Phil said, refusing to meet the mans eyes.

"I take walks sometimes. I'm sorry is that illegal?"

Phil turned to the man and rolled his eyes.

"No I was just wondering sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" The man asked, clearly taken a back by his apology. He must not get a lot of those.

"It doesn't matter. What's your name anyway?"

"Daniel, Daniel Howell." He said, gesturing for Phil to reveal his.

"I'm Phil, Phil Lester." He said awkwardly and shook the man apparently named Daniel's hand.

They continued staring at the sea in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Although it wasn't horridly awkward like Phil suspected it would be.

Daniel was the one to break the silence,

"Beautiful isn't it?"

Phil nodded his head and turned to look at him. Daniel was staring right at him, not even paying attention to the ocean.

"You're talking about the ocean right?" Phil said, somewhere in the deepest corners of his heart Phil was secretly hoping he wasn't.

"I'm talking about whatever you want me to." Daniel said, that stupidly adorable grin falling onto his face.

"Who said you could just flirt with me?" Phil said, pushing down the feeling of excitement.

"Who said I was flirting?" He countered.

"It's obvious you are! And you can't just flirt anyone you like especially someone you just met it's-" Phil didn't even get to finish his sentence before Daniel's lips were on his. For a moment he let it happen, and only for a moment did he kiss back. For a second, everything was how it was supposed to be, like wander lust wasn't even a thought anymore. Sara didn't exist and neither did his parents and their opinions, everything was okay. Years of running from himself were left behind and, for only a kiss he was truly Phil Lester.

Until he remembered those things that couldn't possibly be real a moment ago, his parents and their words , Sara and her lips on his. It all came crashing back down like a tidal wave of bad memories, all in two moments.

Phil pulled away from Daniel and he stumbled back, ashamed of his actions.

"What?" Daniel asked, reaching out towards him. Phil pulled away, tripping over his own feet. Daniel caught him.

"Was it not good enough for you?" He asked, anger flowing like silk ribbons off of his tongue.

Phil stumbled out of his grasp, fumbling with his words.

"No it-it was."

"Then what the fuck did I do?"

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat, even though he hated this man for kissing him it could never match the hatred he had for himself for enjoying it.

"Daniel, I have a wife."

Daniel's expression softened.

"Oh." He looked sad almost.

"I mean, I don't want a wife but I have one. I love her, just not like I should."

Daniel looked as confused as ever. Phil wasn't making any sense to him. To be honest he was just as confused himself.

"Then why are you still with her?"

"Because I have to." Phil said, his gaze falling on the cracked pavement. A silence unlike before fell upon them.

"I don't know what to do." Daniel said, walking towards Phil.

"Me neither." Phil sniffed.

Phil watched the puffs of air Daniel's breath created as it made contact with the cold autumn nights breeze. He walked towards him getting closer by the second, Phil still refused to look at him.

Phil felt Daniel's rough and calloused finger delicately slide underneath his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

Daniel's mouth still hung open, white puffs of air mixing with Phil's, filling the space left between them.

He leaned into him, his hand still firmly placed on Phil's chin pulling him in closer. Phil allowed himself to feel nothing but him, he didn't want to think anymore. He only felt Daniel's soft lips on his, recreating the feeling he had experienced all those years ago, one he had so desperately tried to forget.

"Just be with me for a while." Daniel spoke against his lips.

"Daniel-."

"Just Dan."

"Okay Dan. I can't, It's not like she's just my girlfriend she's my  _wife._  I couldn't do that to her I'm supposed to be her husband."

Dan pulled away, "But is it what you want?"

"Life isn't always about what I want okay? Sometimes you have to do things for other people's benefit."

"Kinda sounds like you're the type of person to never get what you want. Don't you deserve happiness Phil?"

"No Dan you don't get it!" Years of neglect came back to Phil and a tear slipped, warming his cheeks that were tinted rosy pink by the frigid nights touch.

Dan wiped it away and Phil shrugged away from his touch.

"Jesus Christ Phil, it's not like I'm asking for serious commitment. You won't even like me that much trust me, I'm kind of an asshole."

Phil laughed and sniffled, turning back to face him.

"That's true but I still can't-"

"Phil please, I swear the second you want out I wont say a word. Just give it a chance."

Phil new this was a bad idea. He knew it would only lead to pain and regret, he just couldn't help but want to say yes. He was a natural born adventurer and the possibilities of what ever this could be were endless. Phil's heart longer for this, but he couldn't give in. He loved Sara too much to give it all away for some stranger he didn't even know.

He gave Dan a tear filled smiled, placing a small kiss on his cheek before turning away.

"I'm sorry Dan, I've come to far just to give it all away."

Dan's eyes fell to his worn out boots, scuffing at the pavement.

He nodded,

"See you around then?"

Phil smiled and walked away, leaving Dan and the possibilities of something that could have been all behind.

Phil's heart hung heavy with guilt as he crawled into bed next to his wife. Thoughts of Dan crept in and he fought hard to push them away. No matter how hard he tried the man with his seductive grin and smooth words crept back into his mind.

He loved Sara and that is how it was supposed to be, but now Phil wasn't so sure of that.


	4. The Feeling You Thought You'd Forgotten

Phil sat in the old worn out office chair, swiveling it back and forth, it was a habit.

He had been editing an article all day his coworker Darla had written. Phil let out a sigh and Darla spun around to face his back, she poked him with a pencil and Phil jumped at the sudden contact.

"Um what is it?" He asked shaking off the sudden embarrassment of being scared so easily.

Darla was a woman of business. Powerful and frighting at first glance, with her natural jet black hair pulled tightly back into a ponytail. Everything she did was precise, her words with sharp consonants and soft vowels, her outfit which was always a skirt with a black blouse, her movements quick and purposeful, her make up almost too black but not quite, and especially her work ethic. It was as if could see her brain churning away as she worked. She was highly regarded at this office and the best part, she saw potential in Phil.

So Darla and her big brain laughed at his reddening face and turned fully around so she was facing Phil.

"You seem tense, is everything alright Phil?"

Darla and him were, well friends. It was strictly professional and most of their conversation didn't go outside of the article they were working on. Sometimes they would discuss the news or their significant others but other than that they were co workers. She was the closest thing Phil has to a friend other than Sara and he was thankful for her in some way.

"Yeah um, just stressed I guess."

She nodded before deciding to ask,

"Hey do you think Sara would mind if we got a drink? We've never really hung outside the office before and who knows it might be nice."

Phil thought for a second. Sara wouldn't be home till later on that night and he could use a beer. It surprised him that Darla even drank at all to be perfectly honest.

He shrugged, "Sure, I don't see why not?"

As soon as Phil cleaned up his work space he grabbed his overcoat and headed out to meet Darla at the local pub. It wasn't that far and he was there in no time, bracing himself with conversation starters so things wouldn't be too awkward.

As he entered the room he noticed it wasn't as packed as it usually was on a Friday night. There was a few men in the corner playing a card game and a man and a woman most likely on a date with the way they were all over each other.

He spotted Darla sitting at the bar, already started on her first beer. Her eyes lit up when she spotted him and ushered him over.

"Phil, I'm so glad you came! I was worried you weren't going to show."

"Nope I'm here, I just had to finish up at the office sorry about that."

"No problem, come and sit I'll get you a beer."

She ordered him a beer and the two began talking. As the alcohol loosened Phil up a bit it became easier to talk to her. They bonded and Phil could actually feel them becoming better friends.

Phil didn't even notice the familiar face sitting only a few stools away, he didn't notice the few tears the man shed as he stared distantly at a painting hanging slightly askew on the brick wall in front of him.

As Darla gathered her things to leave Phil sat there for a moment longer, taking advantage of the little time he had before he had to go back home, back to confinement .

As Phil dug through his wallet gathering up enough money to cover the tab, he finally saw the man sitting next to him. His heart sank into his feet.

"Dan?"

The man looked up, his eyes vacant and cheeks stained with tears previously shed.

"Oh hey, Phil."

Phil scooted to the stool next to Dan, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Whats wrong?"

Anger took over and pain filled the once empty space in his brown eyes.

"Nothing, alright? Why don't you mind your own god damn business huh?"

Phil rolled his eyes and grabbed his jacket.

"Sorry for trying to be a decent human being, see you never Dan."

Dan's mouth opened as if to say something back but he thought better of it, turning his attention back to his now empty beer.

With that Phil stormed off, leaving Dan to soak in his hurt. Anger brewed in Phil's heart,

Dan seemed so nice a few days ago, what happened? Although he supposed it was really none of his business. He chose to stay away from Dan, he wasn't his problem.

Phil turned the door knob now tainted bronze from over usage, and entered the house. He noticed the bedroom light was on. Sara must have just gotten home as her coat was strewn across the counter and not put away properly.

He hung it up for her and walked up the stairs towards the bedroom. He found her staring in the mirror, expression completely void of any emotion.

When she saw Phil appear in the door way she turned to him, her eyes locked on his.

"Hey, whats wrong?" He asked, voice wavering a bit.

"Phil where were you? This is twice you've gotten home at this hour. What's going on?"

Phil rolled his eyes and tried to act as if she was being ridiculous, although it was quite hard to do when the memory of the kiss he's shared with Dan crept back into his brain.

"Sara I told you I'd be out with Darla, I saw one of my friends after she left and walked back here."

Her expression softened a bit, she knew she could trust Phil.

"Are you sure? Phil if you've been fooling around with Darla please tell me."

Trust me things would be much worse if I told you who I really want to fool around with.

Phil thought, wrapping Sara up in his arms trying to comfort her. She leaned into his touch and he chuckled.

"You can trust me that I'm not fooling around with her, were only friends and she said I looked stressed and needed a drink. Honestly next time I could go with just the drink, she's kind of a lot to handle."

Sara chuckled, her nerves set at ease and she crawled into bed.

"Let me get my pajamas on I'll be right there." She nodded and picked up her book to keep herself busy.

Before Phil could make it to the laundry room he heard a sound by the bathroom window. He listened and heard it again, it sounded like a tree branch knocking against it. He walked over to check it and his heart leapt out of fright when he saw Dan standing in the yard below, throwing rocks at it.

Phil forced opened the window, he was furious.

"What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get here?" Phil's voice was practically shaking from anger.

Dan shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the grass beneath him.

"I-um, well."

"Just meet me at the front door." Phil whispered and snuck downstairs.

Phil opened the door to a very flustered and apologetic Dan.

"Just shut up."

Dan obeyed and Phil felt a rush of dominance he'd never known he had before.

"How did you find my house?"

"I followed you from the bar."

Phil nearly shouted he was absolutely livid.

"What the fuck? You realize I could get you arrested for that? That's some serious shit Dan you'd better have a reason for being here."

Dan scratched the back of his head, his signature cocky grin splayed across his face.

Phil's hands fell to his hips, awaiting Dan's excuse.

"I uh, Phil I got kicked out of my apartment." Dan's voice broke, sadness crept from his words and settled in Phil's mind. Every breath laced with a certain defeated that Phil hadn't yet witnessed in the man.

Phil offered for Dan to come in and he stepped into the warmth of Phil's home, taking in the surroundings. There was an arch separating the living room on the right from the kitchen on the left. In the living room there were several love-seats and a couch pointed at the TV, a giant window positioned so the moon light illuminated the soft grey carpet.

In the kitchen there was a black island with a matching fridge and cabinets. A dark brown dinning table sat behind the island, complete with fresh flowers set in the center of the table.

Dan admired the soft tones of the wall paper and how well the floors complemented it. He was just about to walk over to look at a painting hung by the staircase when he saw a woman rush down it in her pajamas, her hair a wild mess.

"Who the hell is that Phil?"

Phil rush over to introduce the two,

"Um Sara this is Daniel, sorry Dan. He was my friend at the bar I was talking to." Phil gave Dan a pointed look when he began to sneer at the word "friend".

"And Dan this is my wife." He said putting emphasis on the word "wife".

The shook hands and sat there awkwardly.

"Um Sara, Dan and I have to talk for a bit is that okay?" She gave him a puzzled look but nodded,

"Of course just, come up to bed soon, yeah?" He gave her a kiss on the cheek, watching a hint of jealousy flash in Dan's eyes causing him to blush. Behind Sara's back Dan smirked at Phil and he winked in return.

Now it was Phil's turn to blush.

"Okay, nice to meet you Dan." She said walking back up stairs. Dan flashed her the smile that was sure to make any one swoon.

Phil leaned against the kitchen counter, Dan stood in the middle of the room awkwardly.

"So what happened exactly?"

Dan straightened up, his putting on his macho tough guy act again.

"Do you actually give a shit? Or is this just you pitying me? I need a place to crash I don't need your sympathy alright?"

"Who says I'm going to give you sympathy?" Phil shot back.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows. "You know what? Fine! I got kicked out because of you, asshole!"

Phil was shocked, this was by far the most insulting thing he's ever said.

"How the fuck was it my fault? I've never even been to your place!"

Dan ran his hand over his face in exasperation.

"Fuck, Phil someone saw us." Phil cocked his head to the side, feeling very confused. Then it hit him, someone saw them that night on the bridge.

"They can't just do that to you though. Its not the 1960's anymore Dan that's impossible." Phil's heart broke for him, he couldn't be mad anymore this just wasn't right to do to anyone.

Dan shook his head, "They can, they told me they're not going to accept the money of a disgusting fag. So you know what Phil? I don't need this. I'll find somewhere else."

"No wait Dan! I'm sorry don't go." Phil grabbed Dan's arm and he stopped.

"Phil I have no where to go and I can't bother you and Sara I'm sorry this was a bad idea."

"No it wasn't, stay with us for a while. Sara won't mind I swear."

Dan paused for a second before answering. "Only if your positive. I don't want to fuck things up."

He stopped before adding, "again."

Phil shook his head, "It won't trust me." Although not even Phil could be sure of that.


	5. Spend the Day With Me

Phil lay awake all night staring up at the ceiling. Dan was just downstairs sleeping on his couch. The man he could have had an affair with. Phil pushed him away and yet here he was, right back at his literal doorstep.

Sara went off for work leaving Phil alone with Dan on his day off. Phil would give anything to go to work today but unfortunately he never worked on Saturdays.

Phil patted down the stray hairs that were being stubborn and brushed his teeth, bracing himself for the encounter downstairs.

Dan was eating a bowl of cereal and reading a book he must have brought with him.

"Are you eating my cereal?" Phil asked.

"Sara gave me it, it's good thank you."

Phil rolled his eyes and poured himself a bowl, sitting down on the sofa away from Dan who was at the table.

"What'chya reading?" Phil asked trying to look at the title of the book.

"It's called Choke. It's by the same guy who wrote Fight Club."

Phil nodded and listened to Dan talk about how fantastic the concept of it was. It was clear that Dan wasn't just a leather, tight jean-ed wearing tough guy. He was actually very well educated and extremely articulate.

"I didn't know you read."

Dan chuckled. "I'm not all looks you know."

Phil laughed. "So what do you want to do today?" He asked, looking outside and noticing the thunderclouds looming over head.

Dan shrugged, grabbing his duffle bug and putting on his boots that were visibly coming apart at the seams. As he strode across the room, grabbing his worn out leather jacket, he motioned for Phil to follow him. Phil took notice to his soft and freshly straightened hair. He must have been up earlier to straighten it as Phil had yet to see it curly.

"I don't care what you do. I'm going out, you can follow if you want though."

As Phil followed him out the door, grabbing his own grey overcoat, he noticed everything about Dan seemed worn out. From his boots to his jacket, to the expression on his face. Everything seemed as if it had been eroded with time, pain packet under layers of false confidence. He even walked as if every room he stepped into was his, as if all the lights were his to claim and all the air was his to breath and you were just borrowing it. He made you feel as if you were a stranger in your own home. Phil could tell it frustrated Dan to no end that Phil wasn't threatened by this. That it instead made him want to crack him open, examine him inside and out.

Dan walked up ahead of him leading the way. Phil followed, not really caring where they went. He looked up at the clouds which were getting heavier with rain causing Phil to automatically pull up the collar of his over coat.

Dan stopped at a brick building that looked as if it belonged in a black and white photograph. He shuffled through his duffle bag and pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the door with the black paint chipping off on the outside of it.

As soon as Phil stepped in he was hit with the scent of leather and sweat, a deadly combination. Dan seemed at home here as he strode into the locker room, a few other guys looked up from getting changed but continued when they saw who it was.

"Do you want to wait out there?"

Phil shrugged, "I'll just go in."

It some how slipped Phil's mind that this was a locker room, where men strip down in their boxers and change, where Dan gets changed as well.

As he slipped off his shorts Phil tried to avert his eyes, not wanting to seem intruding , but he couldn't help himself. He watched as Dan skillfully removed his shirt, revealing his back muscles he must have gotten from whatever this was. He watched the muscles movement, the way they flexed as he bent over to sort though his bag. Phil allowed his eyes to wander down to his perfectly shaped ass. Phil shifted uncomfortably in his seat, making sure no one was around to see him ogling Dan.

Dan must have felt his eyes on him and shook his butt a little, causing Phil to let out a giggle that of a school girl.

Dan laughed and pulled on a pair of loose basketball shorts, not bothering with a shirt. Phil swallowed, feeling his throat go dry of the thought of having to restrain himself while watching him.

"Does this bother you?" Dan asked, slinging a white towel over his shoulder, entering the room that was responsible for the stench that hit him earlier.

"Yes."

"But not in the bad way." Phil said quietly, staring straight ahead seeing Dan smirk from his peripheral vision.

Phil looked around the room, noticing several leather punching bags hanging form the ceiling. It was too early in the morning for other people to be in here so it was practically empty.

Phil watched as Dan wrapped an ace banged around his clenched hand.

Now he knew where he got those callouses from.

Dan walked up to one of the bags and watched as he took a deep breath, centering himself. He took no mercy on the bag of sand, never missing a single hit.

Phil was in awe of how aggressive he got, each hit gaining more and more power. His teeth clenched as he pounded the bag as hard as he could, causing it to swing wildly.

Sweat began dripping down his face, hair beginning to curl from the droplets of sweat collecting on his hairline. Dan let out a fierce growl, releasing his frustrations and anger out on the helpless bag.

He looked almost animal like, the way he didn't hold back, like he couldn't control himself. Blood began pouring from his split knuckles, the bandages doing nothing to protect them from his anger that was uncontainable at this point.

Phil sat there mesmerized by it all. Dan had complete lost himself, he was unaware of the onlookers staring at his performance from the window. Phil watched his muscles contract and flex beneath his skin as he set forth another blow, his arm muscles were achingly sore but he ignored it as he fought through it with pure grit. Phil felt the anger and passion that Dan put forth, letting it all go with a single punch.

Phil wanting to sooth his aches, calm the storm he set forth upon them. He watched as his brain sent signals, telling his fists to go left,

hit harder,

hit more.

As he threw the last punch he steadied the bag and put this head in between his knees, catching his breath. Sweat dripped down onto the carpeted floors mixing with the blood from his knuckles. Dan wiped his forehead and looked up, as if he forgot Phil was still there.

He grabbed the now bloodied towel and walked past Phil, motioning for him to follow him into the locker rooms. Phil sat by awkwardly as Dan stripped completely and headed for the showers.

"I told you that you might want to wait out there." Phil nodded and tried his best to ignore the fact that he was naked under the cover of all the steam.

"Yeah well I didn't see anything so it's fine."

"I'm sure you would have liked to though." Phil snapped his gaze back to Dan's to find an arrogant grin plastered on his face.

"Dan anyone could have heard that. I swear you're going to get yourself in so much trouble."

Dan shrugged, grabbing the bar of soap.

"How much worse could it get?" He said, referring to his loss of a house.

Phil's gaze fell to the floor. The room filled with only the sounds of Dan turning off the tap. He stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around his waist. He used a smaller one to rub out the water in his curly brown hair.

"How are you doing with that by the way?" Phil asked playing with his hands.

"With what?"

"Dan don't act like this isn't a big deal, you lost your apartment you could at least talk to me about it."

Dan rolled his eyes and grunted, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Dan-."

"Phil I said drop it, I'm fine I'll just get a new place soon it's not a big deal."

He dropped the subject, still not understanding why Dan wouldn't open up to him.

As Dan opened the doors to the outside, rain was there to greet them.

"Shit." Dan said, looking around for any possible coverage.

"Quick give me your jacket."

Dan looked at Phil's grey overcoat,

"What? No this is my only coat!"

"Just give me it! Trust me I wont run off with it, Jesus stop worrying."

Phil rolled his eyes and handed him the large coat.

Dan thrust it in the air above them instructing Phil to hold up the other side.

"Okay run!" He yelled above the downpour and the two ran as fast as they could, feet splashing in the puddles collecting bellow them on the pavement. 

Dan let lose a laugh of childlike joy, relishing in the moment of bittersweet happiness. He allowed a few drops of rain to splash against his cheeks, letting it bring back a flood of memories of him as a child playing in puddles like these.

Dan grabbed Phil's hand and he let him, too caught up in the moment to care.

They stopped underneath an awning at a restaurant. Dan pulled the coat down and stood there breathlessly taking in the sight of the rain pouring onto the streets.

It wasn't fair really, how Dan looked good doing just about anything. Phil was sure he looked like a wet mop instead of a model straight out of vogue.

Man I'm out of shape. Phil thought as he was bent over, trying to catch his breath.

Dan's chest moved up and down along with his heavy breathing. He looked over at Phil, his eyes settling on his face which was covered by a few wet black clumps of hair.

"What?" Phil asked snapping him out of his daze.

"Nothing, you just look incredible and I didn't even notice until now how beautiful you are."

Phil rolled his eyes laughing.

"I mean obviously I knew before just not like this." He fumbled.

"I look like nothing compared to you, you're like, straight out of a vogue magazine."

Dan laughed, Phil was really growing to love that sound.

.........

Phil was sat next to Dan on the sofa. He was trying to focus on the show in front of him but he could feel Dan's eyes on him. Every time the cushion dipped a little he knew it was Dan ever so carefully scooting closer and closer to him.

"Hey Phil." He whispered despite them being all alone.

Phil turned to look at him. "What?" he whispered back, playing along.

"You have really nice eyes." He said being completely serious.

Phil never saw anything special about his eyes, they're just dull grey orbs. Dan's however, were something you could get lost in for hours. His eyes were dark and complex they were almost a comforting escape compared to Sara's plain brown ones.

"Thank you Dan."

"I also really like your lips." Dan said, reaching out to run his finger across his bottom one. Phil didn't pull away, instead he allowed him to run it up and down, feeling the cracks and the scar tissue from when he bit his lip too hard when he was a kid.

Phil hadn't stopped thinking about that night on the bridge and he certainly hadn't stopped thinking about his lips on Phil's, how soft they were, how right they felt. Almost as if they were made to fit one another. This is just one of the thousands of possibilities that could be. Phil felt like he was finally choosing the right one.

Dan's finger trailed down to his hand, running it in circles across the smooth surface. Phil's gaze fell to Dan's hand on his. Phil took his hand and held it in his as he leaned in, the blanket that was once covering his lap fell to the side as their lips met.

This kiss was a slow burn in the pit of Phil's stomach. The fire then ignited as the kiss got deeper, Dan sighed against Phil's lips and pulled him in closer. Dan's smooth lips fit perfectly on his chapped ones. He melted when Dan ran his tongue against his bottom lip, Phil let him in. He tasted like sweets and berries from their lunch that afternoon. His aftershave filled Phil's senses, subtle yet strong.

Phil's eyelashes danced across Phil's cheek causing him to giggle. Their noses brushed slightly against each other as Dan tilted his head bringing his hand up to his cheek. Phil pushed his chest closer to his, feeling the gentle beating of his heart against his. Phil wrapped his hand around his neck, not getting enough of him.

Dan pushed Phil down onto the couch and began peppering light kisses on his jaw line. Phil ran his hands down his back, loving the closeness of them. Dan pulled away and smiled, kissing his neck and behind his ears.

Dan delivered a sultry kiss so hard he saw stars. Phil's mind spun, everything blurred. Sara was no longer in the picture, years of running from this seemed like wasted time and Phil only wanted one thing, Dan.

Phil pushed into his lips, trying to get impossibly closer. He moaned into his mouth, melting into his touch.

Phil almost didn't hear the footsteps at the front porch, memories of his past began resurfacing.

"Dan someones at the door." He said trying to push the man off of his neck.

"Mm."

"No Dan seriously get off someones here."

Dan pulled away and Phil nearly fainted at the sight of him. His hair tousled, cheeks flushed.

Phil reached out and carefully tucked his stray hairs in place, Dan nearly blushed at this sudden gesture. He removed his hands from Phil's hips and sat back normally onto the couch just in time for Sara to walk in.

"Hey Phil how was your day?" She asked him kissing his cheek. Phil sat there still in shock of how Dan went from 0 to 100 then back again, just like that.

"It was, um great ." He stuttered, noticing Dan's grin from the corner of his eyes. He could have killed him.

As the night dragged on into dinner Phil could only help but half listen as Sara droned on about her day. He tried desperately to concentrate on her and not on Dan. He tried to not look at the way he looked when he was intently listening to Sara, or how he got crinkles on the edges of his eyes when he laughed. He tried to ignore his dimples that stuck out when he grinned or the way he fixed his hair every so often.

"Yeah tomorrows weather's supposed to be a lot-" Phil made a horrid noise whilst trying to conceal a moan. Dan's knee brushed up against his and before he knew it, brushed up against his crotch.

"Honey are you alright? You seem a bit flushed." Phil could have smacked that cocky grin right off Dan's face, he could do things that would make him regret that for days. Phil refused to think of any of those things right now and just tried to think of a proper excuse.

"Yeah it's just a cold I'm sure. Don't worry about it." Dan snickered and Sara sat there oblivious to it all.

"Okay, I'm going to clean up. Phil you can do the dishes after."

"I'll help, you're letting me stay here it's the least I can do." Dan said with a false politeness Phil could see straight through.

"Thank you Dan, I'll be upstairs in the shower." Dan watched as she marched up the stairs and waited until he heard the tap running.

Phil ran the hot water and filled the sink with dish soap, sticking his hands into the bubbly substance.

"That was torture, having to sit there without touching you." Dan cooed in his ear causing shudders the ripple through his body.

Phil rolled his eyes and continued scrubbing. He couldn't help but notice how Dan would stand closer than necessary, and make their hands bump against each other. It was these little acts of intimacy that made Phil feel as though Dan really did care.

.......

Dan had been staying with them for about two months now. The heat between him and Dan was unbearable and every night he had to go sleep next to the woman he was supposed to remain faithful to, and she was as clueless as ever. Phil had never felt like this before. He couldn't control himself around Dan, everything he'd ever thought, all his morals were out the window. He didn't even know himself anymore and all he really wanted to do was tell Sara everything. How was he supposed to do that when he could hardly admit these things to himself.

The guilt ate him away until he felt as if he was nothing. That is until he was greeted with Dan's warm smile each morning. then everything was forgotten and he was sane again.

Phil would get worried every once and a while, he could feel himself developing feelings for him. They would sit there and laugh over silly stories from past experiences, or just about Phil's job. He would admire how well Dan could listen. He could practically sit through anything and still give you advice, just to prove he was truly listening. Dan would be sitting there on the sofa, chin resting on his knees just listening to Phil, as if his voice was the answer to all his problems and could sooth his worries with just a simple phrase.

Phil wished Dan would talk to him the way he does to him, so he could listen in return. He knew not to get too close, and he knew that Dan wouldn't want to. He knew this was supposed to only be sexual, but he couldn't help himself, he never could around Dan. Phil wished the feeling would be reciprocated but, they had to keep this some what professional.

After all they were just, "fooling around." As Dan would put it simply, Phil's heartbreaking slightly every time he said it.

Even so he couldn't help but wonder why Dan would hold him when Sara wasn't around, never once making a move. Or why he would sneak light, innocent, butterfly kisses in the kitchen or try to hold his hand when there were no prying eyes in the street. Why would he do that if he didn't feel the same way?

Every night or so Phil would be lying awake, letting his thoughts run rampant, he would hear sniffles coming from downstairs and the occasional sob. He would lie there listening to Dan weep, most likely for the same reasons Phil never slept.

He never did anything about it, because he knows Dan wouldn't want him to.

The next morning over breakfast Sara announced she'd be leaving for her business trip tonight. She discussed it with Phil a while back and agreed it would both do them some good. They needed to focus on their careers for a while.

"Is this the one where you're going upstate?" Phil asked around bites of chicken. Sara nodded. She'd be visiting the northern part of Rhuddlan for a while to work with a new group of students. She was a teacher and a pretty damn good one at that.

"That's going to be fun." Dan said, sneaking a glance over at Phil. He couldn't help but blush.

All throughout breakfast Dan would glance over at him. Phil tried to ignore it usually but this time it was different. It didn't feel like the stares that usually meant a heavy make out session later, this had a different emotion. Phil did his best to ignore it but as usual, but Dan was relentless.

That night Sara grabbed her bags and headed out to the cab waiting for her outside. She was wrapped up in the wool scarf Phil had gotten her for Christmas the year she insisted that they make each other gifts. Phil had horridly sewn together the pink and purple wool in an arts and crafts class he took, just for a scarf that she insist she loved and has worn it practically everyday since.

Phil smiled at the memory as he helped her into the cab. He bent down to kiss her, trying to savor her warm lips on his for as long as possible, as if he was trying to convey how much he loved her and how he never meant everything to get so messed up, all through a single kiss. He knew it was silly, she didn't know what he was doing, but he kissed her anyways. He kissed her until he could feel Dan's jealous eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. He couldn't help but miss Dan's lips as he parted. She blushed and rushed into the cab, trying not to seem too flustered by her husbands actions.

"Bye Phil I love you! Bye Dan see you guys in a week!" Shen gave Phil a quick last kiss and waved to Dan before driving off towards her next adventure.

Phil stood out there until her cab was no longer in sight leaving him alone with Dan.

"I'm going to bed." Dan announced not looking Phil in the eye, Phil nodded and followed him inside. An unexpected awkward tension settling between the two. He absently wondered if he should ask Dan if the kiss bothered him before remembering Dan probably couldn't have cared less.

Dan was still sleeping on the couch, he refused to use the guest bedroom. He claimed to be perfectly comfortable but Phil knew it was just him being stubborn.

He couldn't help but stare as Dan stripped down into his boxers. He admired his gentle curves that met his waist line, he admired how soft Dan was. How he could turn heads anywhere he went, yet he chose to want to make Phil's turn. As if he chose to make his body for Phil's eyes and Phil's only. He admired his bare torso, as tan and semi-muscular as the rest of his body. Phil noticed and how positively fine his ass looked and Phil took the opportunity to stare as he bent down to pick up his clothes. Dan raised an eyebrow.

"What are you staring at? You like what you see?"

Phil scoffed and rolled his eyes heat rising to his cheeks.

"You wan't me to do a little dance for you?" He began swiveling his hips to music that wasn't there, taking the time to run his hand around Phil's waist. He began pulling him in closer before grabbed the neck of his shirt and kissing him, hard. He pushed him back, causing Phil to stumble. He was in awe of how easily he did that but also couldn't suppress the bubble of laughter that escaped his lips.

Dan pouted,

"I put forth my best moves for you and this is the thanks I get?" He clicked his tongue against his the of of his mouth and laughed as well.

"How about we try something more your speed then, yeah?"

Phil nodded and giggled as Dan slid his arms around his neck. Phil wrapped his around his waist and they swayed back and fourth to the rhythm of their hearts. He nestled his head in the crook of Dan's neck, taking in his scent.

"I like this." Phil said, still rocking back and forth.

"Mm."

"You couldn't have put pants on though?"

Dan pulled away and frowned.

"But this is my best attire!"

"I'm very under dressed then, aren't I ?"

Dan laughed and shook his head, a few strands of hair falling in his eyes. Phil brushed them away, letting his hands linger.

"You have really nice eyes as well." Phil said in a whisper.

Dan smiled, blush beginning to form on his cheeks.

Phil kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight and walked upstairs towards his bedroom, alone but not permanently.

As he lay there drifting off to sleep he heard a familiar sniffling sound. Guilt rose in his stomach, he couldn't just let him cry. Phil knew he wouldn't want him to see him like that but what else was he supposed to do?

As he crept down stairs the sight that lay before him made his heart break right then and there.

Dan was curled up into a ball, blankets pulled up around him. Silent sobs wracked the man's body, only once in a while an audible one would escape his perfect lips.

"Um Dan?" Phil said, creeping into the living room, careful not to startle him.

Dan took one look and saw it was Phil, flinging the blankets aside he jumped up in a failed attempt to seem like he hadn't just been showing any form of emotion.

Anger filled Dan's eyes and he began pacing.

"What the fuck Phil, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to see what was wrong I'm sorry-"

"Please don't apologize, just go I don't need you to comfort me."

"Dan I just wanted to see if you were okay! It's not going to make you seem any less masculine just because you showed a little emotion. It's like as soon as I get a little closer to me you push me away!"

Phil snapped, all he had shown Dan was kindness and this is what he gets in return? Phil was sick of it.

"Am I just some sex object to you Dan is that it? Because you know what? I'm sick of it, I'm sick of you and your cocky attitude and this whole tough guy act. I'm not some guy you can just use and then throw away after! You know what? Fuck you Dan honestly, you can move out for all I care."

"Maybe I wouldn't be like that if you didn't have a wife." Dan said, his anger fading into a quiet sadness.

Phi'ls heart sank, he didn't know Dan was so affected by that.

Moments from this past two months came rushing back to him. His mind flashed back to when Dan would look at him a thousand times a day from across the room, he always assumed it was purely sexual. There were the looks like this one now, the kind that was filled with only affection so deep it hurt. With the desire to protect the person, to shield them from all things awful. He thought back to the day where Dan held his hand in the rain and didn't have a care in the world. Phil knew Dan cared about him he just didn't look hard enough.

"Why didn't you say sooner?"

"Because Phil! Do you think its easy for me to just say shit like that?" Dan's hard shell was crumbling at the very seams.

"Dan just talk to me! That's all I ever wanted." Phil's words softened, trying to get Dan to understand.

Dan's cold exterior was just a kiss away from shattering. His eyes glassed over as memories of his past resurfaced.

"Phil can I trust you." Dan spoke, not asking but saying.

Phil nodded walking over, standing so his face was inches away from Dan's. He slid his hand up to Dan's chest to feel the beat of his heart, pulsating beneath its bony prison. Phil kissed him, the younger man's tears slid down his cheek. Phil pulled away and wiped them from Dan's cheek. He flinched slightly as if Phil was going to hit him.

"I'll never hurt you." Phil whispered, peering up at him thorough his lashes. Dan nodded, kissing him with such tenderness it burned.

"Phil we can be so much more you know." Dan spoke as he slid his tongue along Phil's bottom lip causing him to shudder.

"I know you'd want that. I know you do Phil." Dan whispered in his ear, his sultry words unraveling Phil with each syllable.

Dan moved his hand from Phil's cheek, and began traveling down Phil's body before reaching his hardening cock and Phil moaned softly in his ear.

Phil blushed and looked down, not wanting to show his embarrassment.

"It's okay, don't be embarrassed." His words were cool in his ear, soothing the heat in his cheeks and calming his nerves.

"Dan don't use this to push your problems away." Dan didn't take his hand away and Phil didn't stop grinding against it. Phil was unable to suppress a moan, he buried it in the collar of Dan's shirt, closing his eyes allowing the feeling of pleasure to rush through him.

"I want to." He said, his voice raspy and thick with arousal. Phil moved his head back a little to look at Dan and saw nothing but pure lust in his dilated eyes. His expression was utterly feral.

Phil spun him around and sent him crashing into the wall, a picture frame fell to the ground somewhere to their right.

He held him captive in his kiss, dominating his every move.

Dan was under Phil's spell, all of his masculinity and egotistical ways vanished with a single kiss. Dan let out a breathy, whiny moan. He was struggling to keep them in but Phil pulled them out with the wondrous ways of his tongue.

Phil palmed Dan through his jeans, motioning towards the bedroom. The two rushed up the stairs, everything becoming a blur.

Dan pushed Phil onto the bed, stripping him of his shirt and pants leaving Phil in only his boxers. He looked down at him, eyes glazed over. He stopped to drink in the sight of Phil, his pale chest and his sharp edges. His broad shoulders and the way his skin shone in the dim moon light pouring through the curtains.

Dan looked away, startled by sudden eye contact. Phil grabbed his chin forcing him to look at him, taking his time to selfishly swim in those deep brown eyes.

Phil snapped out of his trance and began to take Dan's clothes off, trying to get him out of them as quickly as possible. Dan moved his head down towards Phil's chest and began sucking a mark on the joint where his neck and shoulder connected.

"Dan no marks it'll show." Phil said breathlessly, grabbing Dan's shoulders and pushing him away, unable to contain a guttural groan from escaping his lips.

"Fuck Phil, I gotta make you mine. I gotta make sure everyone knows." Dan looked up at Phil, eyes pleading for him to understand. Dan wasn't just doing it for pleasure. It was a true romantic sentiment.

Phil nodded, knowing he wanted it too.

Dan continued trailing kisses down his body, making sure to give each part the attention it deserved. Dan worshiped Phil, something he had never experienced before but was starting to take a liking to. He made sure to truly drink in every part of him. His taste, his scent, his looks. Dan didn't want to miss a thing.

Dan hovered over the tent in Phil's boxers, he felt the warmth of his breath through the cotton and moaned from the heat.

He lifted the hem of Phil's boxers and looked up at him, looking for permission.

Phil's heart hammered against his chest, so hard he felt as if it might burst. His palms were sweaty and his stomach swimming with nerves, he felt like a teenager all over again.

"Dan." He said softly around a small moan and Dan mouthed him through his boxers.

"Mm." He mumbled, not once removing his mouth from him.

"No Dan please."

Dan lifted his head, a worried look splayed across his face.

"Did I do something? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to, we can stop if you want." Phil's heart ached, over whelmed with his sincerity.

"No, definitely don't stop. Its just, I've um, I've never."

"It's okay really, if you don't want to we'll just-"

"Dan I've never gotten a blow job before." Phil said quickly, feeling the same heat as before slowly creep back into his cheeks.

Dan stopped, his eyes widened with surprise as if Phil seemed like the guy who got blow jobs on a regular basis.

Dan smiled, trying to comfort him.

"I'll go easy on you." Dan said hungrily lowering his head back down and slipping his fingers underneath the elastic of Phil's boxers. Phil lifted his hips and shuddered as the cold air surrounding them made contact with his cock.

Dan's mouth hovered over him, his warm breath eradicating the cold. Phil's stomached swelled with nerves as Dan peered up at him through his lashes, making sure he was okay. Phil nodded and Dan lowered his mouth onto his tip.

Phil sucked in a breath as the unfamiliar texture closed around him, creating a feeling like nothing before.

Phil bucked into Dan's mouth, unable to control himself. Dan pushed his hips down firmly and began to work his magic.

He sucked on his tip taking his time to lick along the slit. Phil's breath was uneven, his head in a flurry, thoughts scattered. He was a wreck, and Dan was loving every moment of it.

As Dan took more and more of him in all he could think of was Dan's mouth around him and how good it felt.

He rolled his hips up, running his fingers through Dan's hair. His eyes rolling back into his skull from pleasure. He grabbed it in clumps at the neck, pushing him down more causing Dan to moan around him. That feeling was the single greatest thing Phil had ever experienced. The vibrations ran up and down his spine, infusing his bones with pleasure, nestling itself in his brain that was buried in a fog thick with pure filthy venereal.

Dan took his whole length in with ease, causing Phil to let out a moan of porn star proportion.

Dan couldn't bare to neglect his aching cock any longer and began stroking it, getting off on just Phil's alluring moans alone.

"Fuck Dan I'm close." Phil moaned, his breaths coming in short pants. He was so overcome with pleasure, mind fallen into the hands of complete and utter bliss. He felt the familiar warmth pooling in his stomach and knew he wasn't going to last much longer.

"So good, Jesus fucking Christ Dan."

"Dan I'm gonna-" Phil choked on the rest of his words as came into Dan's mouth. Phil's eyes closed shut, his head thrown back in ecstasy.

As he came down from his high he noticed Dan was still hard.

He crawled over to him and hesitantly touch him.

"Let me do it." He said, eyes never leaving Dan's.

Dan's moans were quieter and more reserved than Phil's, coming out in short pants rather than whole moans. He stared at Phil, letting him watch as he approached his orgasm. His breathing sped up and only when he climaxed did he close his eyes, releasing into Phil's hand.

When he opened them again both of them were out of breath and covered in a layer of sweat, the stench of sex hanging in the atmosphere. Euphoria drenched bodies, blissed out brains, Phil craved all of it.

Dan reached out and brushed the sweat soaked strands of hair that covered Phil's forehead. Phil smiled and noticed how Dan's hair was now curled and frizzy.

He picked up a curl and played with it, Dan laughed.

"Are you making fun of my hair?" He said, letting Phil touch it still.

"No I happen to like it. It's natural."

Dan rolled his eyes pushing Phil back down into the bed, planting a kiss on his lips. Phil grimaced at the himself on them.

"It's not going to be like this for long so enjoy it while you can." Phil knew Dan was only talking about his hair, but he couldn't help but know it applied to whatever they were.

The two drifted off the sleep, taking comfort in each others arms. The guilt had subsided that night and all Phil could think of was how good it felt to have Dan wrapped up in his arms. Dan's head lay curled up on his chest with Phil's arm wrapped protectively around his stomach.

Every time Dan would cry out in his sleep Phil would hold him just a little bit tighter and his nightmares would fade, giving him the best nights sleep he's had in a while.

The soft iridescent glow of the moon fell on his face, illuminating his soft features which have been weathered by his past. Phil made Dan promise they would talk tomorrow about everything and they let the sounds of the countryside lull them to sleep.


	6. Cold Nights are Warmer With You

Phil woke up to the sound of the harsh squeak of the shower handle. The warm body next to him was gone and he was quick to remember who it was he had wrapped in his infidelity that night.

His heart hammered in his chest when he realized what he had done. Phil couldn't bare to think of his actions, his sins rather. He cheated on Sara, and he was disgusting.

Phil sat up and put his head between his knees, running his hand through his hair.

"I fucking cheated on her." He paused,

"With a guy." It felt odd saying out loud, but something sang in his heart. As if it was meant to be this way. As if destiny sewed the seams together to create the beautiful wreckage of Dan and Phil, and left them to reap what she had sewn.

He took deep breaths trying to calm his nerves and quickening pulse.

He wanted to cry but no tears would come, instead he was overwhelmed with a sudden burst of anger.

As Dan stepped out of the room he saw Phil and the distressed look plastered on his pale face.

"Is this about Sara?" He said, sitting down next to him, water droplets from his sodden hair ran down his bare chest, dampening his black jeans.

"Fuck yes it's abut Sara. Dan she's my wife and- and I cheated on her. I'm fucking disgusting, this is far from just doing something for myself for once. This was selfish and stupid, it was a mistake."

Dan's eyes fell to the floor, Phil's words visibly hurting him. He realized maybe Dan had a rope too, was he causing the rope to tighten? Was he the one strangling him? Just like Phil's parents was he the puppet master, tightening and loosening the ropes as he pleases? He couldn't stand to think of that but he couldn't shake the rage that wound itself into his own ropes either.

"Dan is this really fucked up or is it just me?" Phil said, finally looking up from his lap.

Dan turned his gaze to Phil and nodded.

"It is."

"Then why are we doing it?"

"Because we have so much repressed shit and decided it was finally time to rebel and do something about it. We were to busy avoiding it as teenagers we didn't get to rebel then."

"So it's just more fucked up now because were adults with responsibilities."

"Pretty much yeah."

Phil sighed, running his hand through his hair out of habit.

"So what do we do?"

Dan sat for a moment, thinking.

"We could start by doing that thing that you talked abut last night."

Phil's eyes widened.

"No, not that thing the other thing." Dan said laughing.

"You mean talk?"

"Yes that."

Dan sighed, knowing Phil wanted him to open up. He'd never done that with anyone before. He's never had intimacy before and he's never had this tight feeling in his chest that has permanently settled in his heart and wrapped itself around his lungs. He's never understood the feeling of not truly breathing when your apart from someone. It was new and terrifying, Dan knew he was fucked.

He was falling for Phil.

Dan began talking abut his childhood. Phil sat there and listened, taking in everything like a sponge.

His words where trembling and shaking as the traumatic memories resurfaced, he knew it was time to let go.

As he took a deep breath, the ropes were trying to strangle him, Phil could see it. The ropes that kept him tethered to his past burdened this man too. Phil was not alone and he watched in agony as the rope's surfaces scratched Dan's insides, ripping his heart to shreds. Dan's grip was too strong, and Phil needed to teach him to

let

go.

"I had it pretty rough as a kid, I guess." He began, his grip loosened on them, they were scratching his hands giving him those callouses Phil loved so much. One wrapped itself around his neck and hung low and heavy on his shoulders, shaping his poor posture. Another rope wrapped itself tight around his throat, it have his voice its rough gravely tone Phil craved so much.

"My dad kicked me out when I was sixteen after walking in on me giving some random guy a blow job. He beat the shit out of me and told me to never show my face to him ever again. He was an alcoholic, so all my life I was able to say it wasn't really him, that all the shit he said was just the alcohol talking."

"The worst part about that day, I think, was knowing that for once in his sorry ass life he wasn't drunk. He knew what he was doing."

They were lying side by side on the bed, Phil absently playing with his hair. He nodded along, taking in the pain of Dan's past so he wouldn't have to suffer alone anymore. The ropes were slipping, he didn't need them anymore like Phil did. He didn't need his past to keep him grounded, he had Phil instead. Phil couldn't rely on Dan like that, he wasn't strong enough.

"What about your dad?"

Phil's heart sank at the memories of him, he hated his father. He wasn't as bad as Daniel's but he was in no way a good one. Phil felt his own ropes tightening their death grip on his heart, he knew he had to be brave for Dan.

"He's not my dad. He never was."

Dan looked into Phil's eyes, providing him with nothing but support.

"When I was younger I kissed one of my best friends. That's why I had to move out to Whales, the city wasn't good for me I guess."

Dan scoffed,

"That's bullshit, s'almost as dumb as what my dad did to me."

Phil knew what his father had done was nothing compared to Dan's. It was like comparing a bad dream to a nightmare.

"Dan what your father did was awful, you need to stop making excuses for him and pretending like it wasn't that bad."

Dan sighed like he's heard this a thousand times before.

"I know, I cant help it okay I'm sorry." Phil allowed him to continue, trying to show him it was okay, that he still cared about him even if he couldn't show emotion the way everyone else can.

"I know I'm not emotional and I don't like to talk. All my life I've told myself I shouldn't show any emotion. My own father told me it's not okay, that I needed to be a man. It's hard for me okay? I'm sorry but I'll try for you Phil. I really will try."

Phil smiled and grabbed the back of Dan's head, pulling him in closer until their lips met.

Dan talked more and more. Each thought that had once burnt him passed though his charred lips with ease unlike before. He talked about his mother passing when he was eight years old and his own struggles with alcohol. He talked about how boxing saved his life and destroyed it all at the same time. Whenever he stepped into the ring all of his problems would disappear and faded into background noise. He eventually turned those problems into fuel for his boxing. He would use it to defeat his opponent and during practices to electrocute his mind and muscles. Boxing was also his was of proving his masculinity. That all his life he tried so hard to be the man his father wanted him to be. Boxing seemed like the perfect way to do that.

"Dan you'll never have to prove yourself to me, you know that right?"

He nodded his head, burying it in Phil's chest, letting him continue to play with his hair. He knew with Phil he'd never have to do that ever again.

Dan felt vulnerable curled into his chest like that, but he looked up at the older man and knew he could let go, he's slipping off of the wiry surface of the rope, his hands tender and raw . Phil came along and kissed them, they melted turning the ice cold hate into water. He was slipping,

slipping fast,

slipping far.

The water dripped,

drip,

drop,

drip,

dropped,

He fell,

he fell fast,

he fell far,

But for or once, that was okay. 

Because this time he wasn't just falling,

he was falling for Phil.

He broke down,

"I want my mom back Phil."

Phil looked down at the man, no the boy, beneath him coming apart at the very seams Destiny had stung together, and pulled him together again, but stronger this time.

Dan didn't cry, but he didn't have too. Phil could feel his sadness seeping into his bones and spilling out from his heart. The sadness that had been buried deep within his flesh for years was finally let out from its bony prison.

They fell asleep late into the afternoon wrapped in each others hurt, letting the other take the burden of each of their pasts, keeping it deep in one another's heart's.

Dan cried out in his sleep, he cried for the boy that died within him. The one who never truly got to live.

Phil wiped the tears that he didn't know had fallen and hushed him back to sleep with the song of his breaths, quiet and comforting.

"Good night Daniel."

Dan smiled,

"Just Dan."

"Okay, good night just Dan."

"I hate you."

"Right back at'chya."

His heart squeezed, but it did so no longer under the burden of the rope.


	7. Fix You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello fellow readers! I was writing this next chapter to the song Fix You by Coldplay. I feel that it really gives the scene that raw emotion I was trying to convey before listening to the song. It just makes it all that much better, giving it the special something words can't you know? Anyway, if you are able, I really really suggest reading this chapter (conveniently titled "Fix You") to that song. Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of the story!  
> \- Paige x

Phil was wrapped around Dan's body, when he woke up. He paused, relishing in the serenity of the moment.

He was about to drift back off to sleep when his phone rang, cutting through the thick silence that hung in the air moments before.

Phil dragged himself out of bed, laughing as Dan rolled over, pulling the covers up to his ears with a groan.

It was Friday, three days after their talk. The one they so desperately needed in order to make things better. Phil had a sense of hope he hadn't been able to find in the beginning,

Dan would be okay,

Phil would be okay,

they were going to be fine.

Phil recognized the caller ID and froze, debating whether he should answer it or not.

He took a deep breath and decided.

"Hey." He said softly, waiting for a response. His heart was racing and felt like it might jump from his chest.

"Hello Phillip." The man on the other end said, his voice gruff and strained. That voice belonged to his father.

"Hi dad, what's up?"

"Just wanted to let you know your mother is having a family dinner this Saturday. Your brother, aunts, and uncles will be there as well. We wanted to know if you'd be there."

Phil stopped and looked over at Dan, who was still sleeping, completely oblivious to the conversation he was having.

"Um yeah sure. It sounds great dad I'll you then." And with that he hung up without a goodbye.

"Who was that?" Dan asked groggily.

"My dad." Dan flinched at the words. 

"What did he want?"

"I have to go and see my family tomorrow."

Dan stared at him, knowing what this means.

"Will you be okay?"

Phil nodded his head, walking over to get back into bed with Dan.

"I'll be thinking of you the whole time of course." Phil whispered against Dan's lips, not quite touching them yet.

"And I'll be here waiting for you when you get back." Phil smiled and leaned in, taking in the feeling of being able to kiss him, knowing that after this week the fantasy world they've been living in will come crashing, sending them back into the harsh light of reality.

"For now you can just stay here with me and I'll protect you." Dan said, grabbing the sheets and pulling them over the both of them.

Phil laughed, wrapping his arms around his neck while Dan took the opportunity to kiss his exposed chest.

"Wonder who put these here?" He said referring to the love bites he had put on his neck what seemed like eons ago.

"Yeah I wonder what kind of asshole would do that?"

"Hey! You loved it don't lie."

Phil giggled and nodded, "I can't lie you're right."

The rest of the day was spent lounging around the house, not thinking of the dread tomorrow would hold.

Phil had been getting closer and closer to Dan, in ways he didn't think was possible. He hadn't decided if it was a good thing yet. Phil would wonder if maybe Dan was feeling it too, somewhere deep inside he knew Dan was. Yet he kept on asking, not only for the fear of causing Dan to run away but for the reason that he wasn't ready to make this real yet. Because somewhere deep inside his own self, he knew his heart had been split in two, for two entirely different people in two vastly different ways.

The day went by too fast, Phil could never get enough of Dan.

Phil said goodnight and began walking up the stairs when he felt a hand grab his arm, forcing him to stay.

He turned around to see Dan's pleading eyes, trying to ask something without really saying anything.

"Do you want to come up with me?" Phil asked quietly. He understood it was still hard for Dan to be intimate and ask for things that didn't involve violence or sarcasm. Phil chuckled internally at the thought.

He nodded, his gaze falling to the floor. He was vulnerable and exposed. He needed Phil to be his guide for once.

Phil grabbed Dan's hand and headed up towards the bedroom, showing him it's okay to be scared, that it's okay to be guided and taught.

Dan curled up into Phil's chest, his head rising slightly every time Phil inhaled a quiet breath. In Dan's mind his fathers words came back to him.

"Daniel."

"You're a disgrace of a man and a failure as a son."

"Disgusting fag."

"Not even your mother could stand you Daniel,

you're un-lovable."

His thoughts were seeping in like poisonous snakes slithering through a garden. Unknown and invisible to the eye until they strike at the most random times, their bites scarring you and their venom destroying you.

Suddenly Phil's words cut through the mask of violence, shattering his nightmare.

"Dan?"

"You're a wonderful man, and I know you were a good son."

"Beautiful person."

"Your mother would be so proud of you Dan,

you're love-able."

Dan shook against him, he only caught bits and pieces of Phil's sentence, he felt overwhelmed with feelings he wasn't used to yet. But he wouldn't run, he would stay put and learn to love the words, laid thick with affection and loving intent. Not now though, now all he could do was learn to absorb them and not spit them right back out, to not replace loving compliments with violent slurs.

Phil would understand, Phil always understood.

"Phil?" He said in a voice so small it was almost lost to the quiet hum of the heater.

"Yeah?"

"I don't like all this lovey-dovey shit. I mean, I know you mean well, it's not you. It's just I don't know if I can handle it. Well, actually I don't know how to handle it"

"I know."

Dan already knew that Phil understood, just as he had a million times before, he just needed reassurance.

"And you're okay with that?"

"Yeah, as long as you stay with me I don't mind."

After a few minutes Dan asked again, "Phil?"

He felt him chuckle before answering.

"Yes?"

"I don't think I'm worth all this." Dan didn't even think before he spoke, but as soon as he said that it hit him. He wasn't worth all the pain of cheating on his wife just to be with him. He was a mess on the inside, un-fixable, un-lovable. He was nothing like Phil thinks he is, and all of what his father said he was.

"Why do you think that?" Phil asked sitting up so he could see Dan's face, a mask of cold emotionless flesh.

"Phil I-I can't hurt you. I'm scared of loving you and I'm scared of committing. I thought you'd want to leave me as soon as we fucked or whatever. You have your whole life planned out, you have hopes and dreams and I don't even know who I am."

Dan looked down and rubbed his thumb across his palm nervously.

"Phil you're incredible and smart and beautiful. I'm still the little boy afraid of his father."

Dan's last words felt like a blade digging into an open wound on Phil's heart. He knew Dan was broken, he knew he had ropes like his own, tying him down never to release him from their deathly grip. He didn't know this is how he really saw himself. Underneath the cocky attitude and the aggressive behavior, he was scared and alone, but most of all he was broken.

Phil forced Dan to look him in the eyes, something he knew Dan didn't enjoy.

Sky blues mixing with earthy browns, Phil spoke with only purpose, with the intent of cutting the ropes and healing the broken parts of him.

"I'm gonna fix you."

Dan shook his head, trying to hide the tears spilling down his cheeks.

"It's not that easy Phil!" Dan choked out. His sadness turning into rage, the kind that was blind and uncontrollable.

"It's not, you're so right but god dammit Dan I'm going to try."

Phil gently slid his hand into Dan's, and he felt all his anger melt away with it.

Phil knew he could rebuild him. He could mend the holes put there by the abusive claws of the ghosts from his past, haunting his future.

"I'm going to try and I won't leave you. No matter how fucked up this is I have you and you have me. I'm going to make you realize just how amazing you are, I'm going to fix you."

Dan nodded, wiping the tears away and smiling up at Phil. Letting him see the raw emotion splayed across his face. Putting aside his mask for a moment and revealing the hurt underneath.

Phil leaned over and kissed his cheek, numbing the pain and the anger. He made it so he could only feel love and joy, even if it was just through a simple gesture.

It was all it would take to make him realize he was worth it, that he wasn't so broken after all. Phil would hold the world on his shoulders for Dan if that meant he would be happy and content. He was willing to do it all for him, he just hoped he wouldn't push him away and send that world crashing back down around them.

...........

"Do you really have to go? Couldn't you just say you're sick or something so we can make out on the sofa?"

Phil pushed Dan away laughing as he wrapped his hands around Phil's hips and kissing his neck.

"No I can't do that! I already committed you idiot. Now get off before you make me actually consider that a decent plan."

Dan rolled his eyes laughing as he grabbed Phil's bag off of the floor and handed it to him before heading out the door towards the cab awaiting him.

"Such a gentleman." Phil said laughing.

"Well l it won't happen again." Dan said, causing Phil to laugh even harder.

"Text me if you can't stand them anymore and I'll meet you in the ally way for a quicky." Dan said with a wink, Phil shoved his arm playfully.

"You're never not horny are you?"

"Only on Mondays, they can suck my ass."

"Yeah I bet you'd like that wouldn't you."

"Now look who's the horny one."

Phil's laughter was cut off by the sharp honk of the cab driver.

"I gotta go, try to make it through the day with out me. And you can text me but no blow jobs." He warned and Dan waved him off,

"I got it, no blow jobs. How about tonight though?" Phil rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Bye!" He shouted and rushed into the cab, apologizing for the wait.

He leaned his head against the cold window and put in his earbuds, giving the scenery rushing past him some background music.

Dan would never admit he stayed in the door way until he couldn't see Phil's cab anymore. And he'd never admit that as he sat down to read his book he was bothered by the sudden silence that was so obvious it hurt. He'd never admit that he crawled into Phil's bed and slept there for the remainder of the day with is phone clutched to his chest, awaiting a text from him. Just as Phil would never admit to replaying the song that makes him think of Dan over and over. Or when he past the bridge they first kissed on his heart beat just a little bit faster. Or that he wished he could be right back home, kissing him again.

But it was just one day away from each other right? That's no big deal,

Phil could do this.

Phil might be able to do this.

Phil sighed his breath fogging up the cab's window,

He can't do this.


	8. Mother Dearest

Phil's stomach sank when he arrived at the house he spent his teenage years in. The house that was never really his, where he was a guest in his own home.

He tipped driver and watched as she drove off, leaving behind the last safe place he had before he walked into his own personal hell.

He took a deep breath and walked up the concrete path, each foot step like a pounding drum in his ears. He steadied his breathing and remembered that it was only one day. Only one day away from anything that makes him happy, from the only person that brought joy to his ever so dull life.

He knocked on the door and not five seconds later a woman opened it. He hair was done up in a bun held back with bobby pins that were cleverly hidden in her thin sun dipped hair, the few silver whispers that fell from the bobby pins hold brushed against her porcelain skin. Her dress was a robin egg shell blue, all wrinkles and folds had been neatly ironed out. Her posture was so straight and rigid it almost looked painful. She was the perfect house wife, and she was Phil's mother.

Her grey eyes were clouded over with fatigue and underneath the layers of powder bags hung heavy below them. Her wrinkles were now more visible, despite the anti-aging creamed she caked on her face each night in a desperate attempt to stay youthful for her husband. He could care less what she looked like, he hated her all the same.

"Hi mom." Phil spoke, she nodded her head and moved to the side so Phil could enter.

"Everyone is in the family room." She said in her usual subordinate monotonous tone, her voice as frail as her demeanor.

Phil nodded and hung his coat on the hanger by the door along with his bag.

As he stepped in nobody seemed the acknowledge his presence, they were all too busy telling stories about far fetched successful businesses, a new risque novel someone was writing, and problem free marriages in order to make themselves feel better about how dull their lives actually are.

His mother rushed off into the kitchen to bring out a tray of tea which everyone gladly took advantage of, not bothering to thank her once.

Phil's father was sitting on a recliner, talking about politics and smoking a cigar with his uncle who looked as disinterested as ever.

Phil sighed and sat himself in the corner, trying to stay out of the scene as much as possible. It was adolescence all over again.

His phone buzzed in his pocked and he smiled, knowing exactly who it was.

_How is it? im so fucking bored over here without you ;)_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:36 pm_

 

Phil eagerly typed a reply, making sure no one was around to give him grief about being on his phone.

_Did u have 2 ruin it with a winky face? A smiley face would have been just fine :P_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:37 pm_ _  
_

_Yeah but it wouldnt have gotten across my horny-ness_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:37 pm_

_Trust me i know x)_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:38 pm_ _  
_

_4 real how is it? Anybody give u any shit yet? I can beat them up for you love <3_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:39 pm_ _  
_

_yeah okay macho man, i dont need u to beat anyone up yet i dont even think they kno im here tbh_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:39 pm_ _  
_

_How dare they not realize that they have been graced with the presence of such an angel! Ill be here waiting to worship thy lord at home_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:40 pm_ _  
_

_*rolls eyes* Also that would have been an acceptable situation to use said winky face, just saying._

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:40 pm_ _  
_

_Yeah yeah alrite i got it. but u get my point lol_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:41 pm_ _  
_

_Aye sir i definitely get ur point... in my arse_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:41 pm_ _  
_

_yeah about that..._

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:42 pm_ _  
_

 

It took Phil a few seconds to understand exactly what Dan meant and when he did he nearly burst out laughing.

_DAN... ARE U SAYING WHAT I THINK UR SAYING????!!!_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:44 pm_ _  
_

 

He could barley contain the blush creeping across his face, feeling a bubble of laughter forming in his throat.

_I THINK SO OH GOD I DIDNT MEAN FOR U TO FIND OUT THIS WAY_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:44 pm_

_DANIEL JAMES HOWELL ARE U A FUCKING BOTTOM????? MR. I WEAR LEATHER JACKETS AND IM A BOXER... AND YPUR A FUCKING BOTTOM???? IM DYING THSS IS INCREDIBLE. Look whos gonna get the point in the arse now ;)_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:45 pm_

 

_DONT HATE OKAY YOUVE NEVER EVEN TRIED IT BEFORE AT LEAST I KNOW_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:45 pm_ _  
_

 

Phil was fascinated by this, realizing this meant he was a top. He had honestly never thought of this before, he always assumed Dan knew what he was doing and he'd naturally be the top. This was definitely something to think about later when he wasn't in a room full of relatives.

_I have to go, I cant think about this in a room full of my family oh my god_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:47 pm_ _  
_

_Oh god okay bye, see u tonite ;) (nows the time to use this right?)_

_Sent 10/14/15 at 4:47 pm_ _  
_

Phil put his phone back in his pocket and nearly jumped from his seat when he saw the figure standing over him.

"Phil There you are! Mate I haven't seen you in ages, come here!"

Phil stood up and embraced his cousin Dexa who was his only friend at these gatherings.

"I didn't know you were going to make it, thank god you're here this party was boring the shit out of me."

Phil laughed at their words. Dexa was the only family member who wasn't a conservative, well to put it lightly, prick. So naturally, them and Phil got along swimmingly.

"Let's head up to the roof and get out of here, they won't even notice I'm gone they haven't said a word to me the entire time I've been here." Phil said rushing up the stairs towards his old bedroom. The two used to do this all the time as teenagers. They would sneak out of his window and onto the roof to share a beer. Dexa would talk about all the crazy things they would do in school and Phil would live vicariously through their adventures he could only dream of having.

That was when he first felt it, when he first moved here. When he felt that first rope wrap itself around his spirits, crushing them entirely. This rope made him feel like he was nothing, like he wasn't truly a person and he was here living on borrowed time. The second rope hit at seventeen, that one wrapped its poisonous length around his heart, telling him he could never truly love. That he would never truly love his new girlfriend, whispering putrid lies and hate into his valves, the messages carried through his blood stream and pumped through his system. The ropes whispered hateful things, that he was a freak and he should just be numb, that he should just void himself of thoughts and feelings, he didn't need them anyway. That his parents were right, he'd never be their son, he should have been aborted. And finally, at the time, possibly the worst one; that he wasn't deserving of Sara and all her love and kindness. That he'd never deserve anything other than this.

The rest of the ropes followed from there.

Phil opened the bedroom window, the rotting wooden frame creaking beneath his fingers, he crawled through and braced against the chilly October nights air. Dexa followed soon after, making sure to keep the window open a crack so they could still get back out.

"Hasn't changed a bit has it?" They said, looking at the rows of other houses across the street. Each one identical to the last with their dull grey paint and white picket fences. Each yard perfectly manicured, and each shrub was the same down to the last leaves trying to bud out from the tops.

"It really hasn't, still as dull as I remember it." Phil said, looking up at the grey sky above them. It made the place all that more depressing. It never stopped raining in Whales, that was one constant you could always count on.

He looked at the street bellow him, cracked and wearing out. As if each time a car drove past it was getting closer and closer to caving in.

Phil sighed, taking comfort in the silence Dexa brought with them.

"Anything new with you? How's Sara?" They asked, noticing Phil's mood growing heavier with each passing moment.

Phil was about to say everything was fine when he realized he didn't have to lie to them. Dexa had always been there for him, to listen and give him advice and support him. They were never not there to talk to, so why stop now?

"Things um, they're not so good."

"Well talk to me man, what's up?"

Phil closed his eyes, bracing for their reaction.

"I fucked every thing up Dex, I don't think Sara and I are going to make it." His heart beat frantically in his chest, the ropes slithered out from the dark, it was the first time that it really hit him. There was no way the ropes would leave him alone, not when Sara was brought up. It was always their favorite thing to torture Phil with. He was losing his high school sweetheart, his wife, and his friend, and they loved every second of it.

"It couldn't be that bad Phil, you don't fuck up. You don't make catastrophic mistakes, it's not you." Dex was laughing but it was no joke. Phil was who he was supposed to be finally, this  _was_  him. He just should have figured it out sooner. He fought against the ropes, trying to show Dexa that he was strong like them, to prove that he can be his own person, and no rope would stand in his way.

"No but it is who I am. I did mess up but I'm who I'm finally supposed to be I think. I just had to majorly fuck up to get there."

"Did you do something like I did? 'Cause I mean I get it, alcohol can help you forget and drugs make you understand things. I just figured you would learn from me and realize that's not the best way to figure shit out."

Phil shook his head and laughed,

"No I didn't use drugs or alcohol, but man did I do something stupid. I just didn't know what else to do. I just wanted to be happy for once you know? I have a dull job, a dull house, a boring life in general. I have wander lust and I'm supposed to go out and adventure, I know I am. It's like I was destined for it. Not write for some stupid newspaper and come home to a wife who doesn't even really know me."

Dex sat there, taking it all in. They didn't know that he hated his life this badly. They would be scared if they knew even half of the situation to be honest. 

"Jesus Christ man spill! What did you do?"

Phil looked down at the shingles, picking at the peeling asphalt and took a deep breath, preparing himself for inevitable judgement.

"I-Ah fuck man it's awful. I hate myself everyday because of it, I can't step away because I know I'm going to be happy once this is all over somehow."

Dex nodded, patiently waiting for him to say it.

He shut his eyes, not even wanting to look at Dex.

"I cheated on her."

The words hung heavy in the air around them. He didn't regret saying it, he wished he did. With all his heart he wished he regretted cheating on her, but no matter how hard he wished, and no matter how hard the ropes tugged at his throat, Dan would always be right there to take it all away.

He didn't even look at Dexa, he already knew the look that would be on their face.

"Fuck man, I didn't think you would do that kind of shit. Is it just some random chick or, are you in love with her? That's so fucked up Phil how could you do that to Sara? I'm sorry, I love you but Sara was nothing but good to you and you just threw it away for some other chick? Just for some excitement in your life? I don't even know you anymore Phil what the hell."

The two sat in silence, taking in the weight of the situation. Phil's next words would only make it heavier, but he had to say them. He had to disregard every instinct to keep them hidden deep down, to fight the rope that strangled his throat for so long, keeping the words out of the day light.

"Dex?"

"What."

"It's not some chick."

"What do I know her or something? Jesus Christ Phil who!"

"Dexa it's not a fucking chick! It's not a woman... It's not a woman."

"It isn't a woman Dex, oh god I fucked up, it's not a woman."

Phil repeated it over and over, each time it became more real than the last. He buried his face in his hands, afraid of what their reaction would be. Phil now understood a fraction of what it must have been like for them all these years ago trying to explain their gender to Phil.

"Phil calm down, take a deep breath and talk to me."

After a few moments of deep breathing Phil turned to Dexa.

"Dex it's not a woman and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

They sat in silence for a moment and Phil thought for sure they hated him.

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know, I just know he makes me feel like I haven't felt in years Dex. He's incredible, he's got this hard attitude about him and then when you talk with him he's actually really articulate and charming. He can be really nice and sweet underneath all the leather and the cocky-ness. Plus he's a fucking boxer. He's fit but not too fit, you know? Honestly he's flawless."

Dexa smiled, and they knew Phil had truly found happiness for the first time, and oh how bittersweet it was.

"You're so gay Phil oh my god."

The two burst out laughing.

"I know oh god it's bad. I haven't felt this way since the eighth grade when I kissed my best friend, do you remember? That's the reason for me moving out here and I always thought if I just pushed it away maybe it wouldn't be real, you know? I figured that I would just live a lie and it wouldn't be that hard. It was the worst decision I had ever made and when I met him I wasn't so miserable anymore. I used to be so scared of that, of falling in love. I was terrified that I would never be able to love Sara like that, the way I was meant to. Honestly I still am, but with him it the idea of love seems a little less scary I guess. Like I am capable of it, and I'm not broken. I just needed to find the right person. Or gender in this case."

Dexa nodded, taking in everything. They smiled, Phil could see the happiness radiating off of them from his story. Dexa had faith in him, and he needed to hold on to that.

The ropes subsided. They were calm, almost nonexistent. Phil felt a weight taken off of his body and he knew there would no longer be a rope closed around his throat. He could finally breathe, he could finally speak up and breathe that sweet oxygen rich air like he was meant to.

"So what are you going to do?"

Phil laughed, "I have no fucking clue."

"You should tell Sara, if I know her she'll try her best to understand."

"What about my parents?"

"Dude you're an adult, as much as it sucks that you had to wait this long you can love who you want. They can't kick you out or beat the shit out of you, the worst they can do is stop talking to you and that wouldn't be so bad, right?"

Phil chuckled,

"Yeah you're right."

"Alright then, let's go back downstairs I'm sure someone noticed we left."

"Everyone would notice if you left, you're the loudest one there."

"And don't you forget it."

...........

Phil sat through dinner listening to the loud banter of his relatives. They argued about everything, how the potatoes should be cooked, how women belonged in the kitchen. Which was, of course, followed by polite laughter from the women in the room who couldn't be bothered to stick up for themselves.

Phil stood up and took everyone's plates back to the sink and began washing them, he needed a break from the sheer insanity of his family.

He stuck his hand in the soapy water and began scrubbing the plates clean, it was therapeutic almost,

Dip,

scrub,

dry,

and repeat.

His hands, pink and pruned scrubbed as if they had a mind of their own. He scrubbed and scrubbed until,

crack.

He broke a plate. Snapping out of his daze Phil looked around to see if anyone had noticed and nonchalantly tossed it in the bin and continued mindlessly scrubbing, just with a little less force.

He looked down to see the water in the sink had turned a delicate shade of rosy red. He removed his hands from their soapy heaven to discover they were covered in crimson. He grasped his hand trying to stop the bleeding. It was a lot of blood for a such small incision.

"Oh Phil what have you done?" His mothers voice traveled to through his ears and to his brain like bullet. He jumped with surprise and stood there as she wrapped a clean washcloth around the small cut with fresh splotches of blood beginning to form. She wrapped it with such precision and accuracy just as she had when he was a child, it was just as void of emotion and pity as it was then too.

"So," She began as she took over washing the dishes for him.

"Phillip why didn't you bring Sara?"

"She couldn't make it, she's on a business trip."

"Quite the ambitious one, isn't she?"

He chuckled and began putting plates on the drying rack, removing the cloth from his hand which had finally stopped bleeding.

"Yes she is."

"I expect your're doing well . Have you finally gotten that promotion?" Phil rolled his eyes.

"No not yet, I like it the way it is though. I'm not in a rush." He replied, but of course that 's what he said the last time she asked, and the time before that one too.

She nodded and the two finished washing up in silence, she clearly had lost interest.

Mrs. Lester wiped her hands on her apron and carefully folded it, tucking it neatly back into the drawer where it came form.

She began to walk back into the lounge and paused in the door way,

"I'm very glad you could make it Phillip-" She stopped to correct herself, knowing Phil hated his full name.

"Phil." She said and flashed him a rare genuine smile, revealing the perfectly polished teeth underneath. Phil gladly reciprocated.

"We've missed you." And with that she turned to serve the ungrateful guests invading their home.

For a moment, Phil was hopeful that she might have changed. That she might show some other form of emotion other than obedience. Of course those hopes were obliterated when she began taking orders form a bossy cousin who insisted there was a problem with the recliner.

He entered the family room and saw everyone sitting around the TV.

"Phillip! Come sit down I haven't seen you in ages!" His uncle John bellowed. He sat in between John and his father who gave him a small nod, finally acknowledging his existence.

"How are you doing son?" He said clasping him on the shoulder, causing Phil to laugh. The laughter faded when his fathers voice, sharp as a blade, cut through the light and cheery atmosphere.

"He's not your son, John." John was Dexa's dad, and was more of a father to Phil than his own dad was, and he would be forever jealous of the bond he and Phil could never have.

"Well I'd say I've been a father figure of sorts wouldn't you agree, Frank?"

"I'd never." His father grumbled, sitting back on the sofa so he couldn't look at his uncle. The red vein prominent on his large shiny forehead.

As the TV switched to a new program everyone began carrying on side conversations. Phil was observing, with quiet and silent eyes, taking in bits and pieces of everyone's conversations. Suddenly everyone stopped, the room was silent.

"This is outrageous." One of his aunts said, completely floored at the display on the screen before her.

"Since when do they let disgusting fags on TV? Keep it in the bedroom come on!" One of his cousins called out.

"Oh calm down, at least they're not in the room with you." Another said. Everyone burst out laughing, yelling out more slurs and hate speech .

Phil trained his eyes on the floor, trying to remain indifferent. Attempting to force back the tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. He felt the ropes make there way back and frustration bubbled up in his throat. He couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't be constantly scaring them away, he couldn't keep pushing them down time after time again, it was exhausting. He looked around the room for safety, his heart sank when he met Dexa's eyes, they pitied him. His stomach churned, all he wanted was to be back home with Dan and make all of this go away.

"Phil whats wrong boy? Have a little fun c'mon, they're just fags." Someone called out. Phil was too overwhelmed to see who it was.

Phil stood up,

"Yeah sure, I have to use the restroom I'll be right back." He said forcing a shaky laugh, the kind that hurt so badly because you're on the verge of tears and you have to pretend like your fine, the kind of laugh that wrecked your very soul.

Phil rushed to the upstairs bathroom and locked the door, fumbling for his phone. With shaking hands he dialed the familiar numbers.

He slid down on the linoleum floor, his back against the wooden door, letting the cool surface of the tiles below him calm the heat of his emotions.

"Hello?"

He sighed in relief and listened to the voice that could take all his troubles away with one syllable.

"Hey." He said, trying to keep quiet.

"What's going on? How come you're whispering?"

"Don't worry I'm fine now." Phil bit his lip to keep back the tears.

"I just want to go home."

Phil heard Dan sigh into the phone, he shut his eyes for a moment and pictured himself sitting there with him instead of on this cold bathroom floor.

"Phil."

"Yeah?"

"You have one more hour okay? You can do it, one more hour and then you can come home."

Phil nodded his head even though Dan couldn't see.

"I told my cousin."

"What?"

"I told my cousin about us, about everything."

"Who is your cousin?"

"Their name's Dexa, they're cool don't worry. They gave me some advice and- yeah." Phil's breath was shaky and he was on the verge of a breakdown.

"I'm coming to get you now."

"No Dan you don't-"

"Don't bullshit me, you're upset and clearly something happened, I'm coming to get you."

And with that Dan hung up leaving Phil to come up with some excuse to his parents as to why some punk showed up to their doorstep and is whisking him off into the sunset.

He cautiously stood up, still slightly shaken up from the incident in the living room. As soon as he opened the door he crashed into Dexa standing with there hands on their hips.

"Phil what the hell happened?"

"I'm sorry I just- I couldn't stand it, what they were saying."

"You're a grown ass man you need to stand up for yourself!"

"I could say the same for you."

Dexa stepped back in shock of Phil's words.

"Are you honestly stooping that low? You know how hard I've struggled to get to where I am now, you have no right to-"

Phil pushed them aside, storming off to get his stuff. As he crashed down the stairs everything began spinning, it became to much all at once. He hadn't meant to hurt Dexa like that, Phil wasn't himself. He was spiraling, winding down a never ending staircase. Ropes were taking over, controlling him like strings on a puppet.

The room became to small to contain his insignificance, the people too loud to control the quite hum of insanity nagging at the back of his head. His heart was much to heavy, anchored down with the burdens of his own hurt.

"Phillip?" A small, petite voice said behind him.

He looked his mother in the eyes, letting the tears visibly flow.

"Phil, what's the matter?"

He hesitated, not quite sure at this point. Everything was falling apart at the seams, the more he fought, the harder he gripped to reality, the faster it slipped through his delicate finger tips. The ropes, they weren't his safety, they would only give him burns. How long would it be until he could realize that? His bones were frail, his head a flurry of thoughts and regret. Guilt was eating him from the inside out. His thoughts were swarming yet none of them made their way to his tongue, which sat flaccid and useless in his mouth.

"I-." He began, eyes searching around the room, as if someone would know what he was trying to say.

"I need to go. Thank you for everything mum but I have to leave." He rushed past his mother, grabbing his coat and bag, the door thrown open in a swirl of emotion.

Phil began walking, not quite knowing where he was going, allowing his feet to lead the way. He passed by a woman and her child, she looked weary, bags hung under her eyes, her child no happier. The woman's cardigan rumbled by the wind of the on coming storm, her long graying hair a frizzy mess.

He had seen her before. They lived across the street from Phil's parent's house. When she was much younger and didn't have frown lines seeping into her once youthful face. Perhaps, none of us will ever be truly happy for long. Her and her husband used to live in sweet bliss, throwing parties and laughing in the rain. Sharing bittersweet kisses on the terrace above the porch. It seemed all of that was gone, a distant memory lost in all the sadness that came with responsibility.

Phil knew he'd never escape the sadness or the pain that the ropes brought with them, no matter who he was with, or how far he ran. Sadness would always lie in wait, ready to strike. That thought settled in his stomach, as if it was preparing to come back and infect his mind later.

The woman, Charlotte as Phil had decided to call her as a teenager, scolded her child and told her she was very disappointed with her actions today.

Charlotte and James, he would watch them live their own lives from afar on his roof. He gave them names and a back story. Phil's life wasn't nearly as interesting as theirs. Charlotte and her bright colorful outfits and countless books she would read on the front porch, and James with his impressive painting skills. Phil often saw him painting outside, the trees, the sky, anything he could set his mind to. They were meant for each other. Phil longed to have a life like that, he should have known it wouldn't last, nothing that perfect ever does.

Charlotte glared at him and he remembered it wasn't okay for people to stare at others.

Phil didn't even really know them, just the versions in his head he supposed. Which is why he didn't understand the slight feeling of sadness that came with her glare. Still, it would have been nice if he had been liked by them. Now he was just the stranger staring at them on the streets, a potential threat even.

As Phil walked down the barren streets of his old neighborhood he saw a familiar car, its black coat well polished, rims rust free. It was Dan, and he had come to rescue him from memory lane.

"You coming?" He asked, rolling up beside Phil on the side walk. Phil nodded and crossed the street to get in. 

As Dan drove to the turn around they passed Charlotte and her child, he looked as long as they were in view for. She dragged the child into the house and Phil watched as they disappeared inside. He'd probably never see them again.

"You know them?"

Phil shook his head, not looking away. Maybe he wanted to be pretending to live her life still, rather than suffer in his own adulthood. He needed to let go of that and return to his own poor excuse for something he calls a life.

He never realized how bland his was.

With Dan though,

he thought turning to look at him. Dan in all of his worn leather and his hair that had been slicked back and straightened with the furry of his iron, no hair products needed. Dan and his white knuckled grip on the faded pl-ether steering wheel and his ripped black jeans that were older than the cracks on the pavement.

No with Dan,

 

it was never so boring.

..........

Phil could hardy make it through the door without putting his hands all over Dan, wanting to absorb himself in every inch of him.

His shoved him against the wall, all belongings forgotten on the hardwood floor.

His mouth craved the feel of Dan's around it, he craved the taste of Dan,

his skin,

his lips,

his tongue.

The way he trembles under Phil's hands, aching to be dominated. 

Even so, Dan had to fight it, for Phil's sake.

"Phil." He tried to say around a groan as Phil marked the tender spot on his neck.

"Fuck Phil."

Phil mouthed a kiss into his neck, not moving anytime soon. He wanted this, didn't he? He wasn't sure anymore.

"Phil you gotta get off this isn't-fuck- this isn't what you want please."

He pushed Phil away, leaving him standing there, agitated and flustered. Cheeks painted a delicate rosy pink. Just like his hands today when they sat, submerged in the soapy water, trying to forget his failures and sins.

He rubbed the small cut on his thumb, trying to reciprocate the feeling of numbness. It wasn't the same.

"Phil you're upset, I'm not going to have sex with you right now." Dan said, still catching his breath.

"I'm not upset." Phil said blandly.

Dan sighed, shaking his head, there was no way he'd ever believe that.

"Please Phil, please talk to me. It's your turn to talk now please don't just use me to avoid whatever problem it is. Don't do that to me, it's not fair to either of us." Dan was pleading, he wanted Phil to let him in, it was his turn to listen and comfort him, to hold back the ropes that were strangling him. Phil didn't think he could handle it.

"I don't need to burden you with my pettiness. It's not worth it."

Dan stepped over to Phil and hesitantly grabbed his hand, just holding it. The simple gesture calmed the swill of anger and pain in Phil's heart, his nerves gobbled up from the heat of his palms.

He sighed, grabbing Dan's hand and dragged him outside into the cold of the autumn nights air. He walked out into the small backyard. The uncut grass brushing against their ankles and provided a sense of comfort. Phil walked with Dan until he found what he was looking for. The two took shelter under the warmth of the cherry tree that had been there since he moved in. It's why Phil adored this place so much. The tree was unnatural, it didn't quite belong here, it was out of place and foreign, making it all that more beautiful.

As he nestled into the grass bed beneath him he watched as Dan stared up at the sky. The clouds were covering most of it but there were some parts where the stars could shine through, as if the were desperately fighting to be seen, unable to go un-noticed.

"Why are we out here?" He asked, his voice quiet, frail almost.

"I like it out here. I used to come when me and Sara would fight. Sometimes just to be alone."

A few moments of quite passed before Phil asked the question that's been hovering in the back of his mind, too stubborn to be pushed away.

"What are you doing with me Dan?"

He didn't say anything, possibly unsure of how to answer.

"I'm married. I'm a married man. I have a wife and we're going to start a life together." Phil started to get choked up.

"I don't know." He says blatantly.

"I didn't mean for it to get this far if I'm being honest. Phil, you make it really damn hard to stay away."

Phil laughed, the tears falling unknowingly down his flushed tender cheeks.

"I really like you, you know that. It's been what, two months now? And all I wanted was to fuck you, you wouldn't let me go that far though, you kept me around and after a while I didn't start to mind it so much."

Phil nodded, he couldn't help but smile just slightly.

"Why haven't you kicked me out yet?" He asked.

Phil continued staring up at the sky, trying to find a better reason other than he couldn't leave him not matter how badly he tried.

"I can't Dan."

He turned to look at him quizzically.

"I can't explain it, maybe it's cheesy and maybe it's ridiculous but I fell for you, hard. I couldn't pick myself back up. You were there to help, and you have been ever since. I always knew I could never love Sara like that. You helped me realize I didn't have to try to."

Dan scooted over, raising his hand to Phil's ice cold cheeks and running his thumb along the smooth prominent bones that jutted out gracefully from his structure.

"Phil."

"Yeah."

"I wasn't the one who helped you, you've done more than anyone who's ever known me. I can get closer to you without fear Phil." He leaned in, the warmth of his lips hovering against the cold of Phil's. The bittersweet concoction of warm and cold bared against each other without shame.

"I can finally feel without fear." He said, lips still barley touching, causing Phil's heart to ache for the closeness he longed for once again.

"You've fixed me." 

It seemed as though time had stopped, they were alone together in a world so filled with love no hate could disturb it's eternal peace. They were infinite, they were beautiful, they were in love.

It was only when those words left the fragile broken boys lips, did the man underneath them heal. They broke separately, but became whole once again together.

Phil grabbed the back of Dan's chocolate brown hair and fused their lips together in a desperate swell of intimacy. Emotion brewed at the ghosts whisper of "I love you." on his tongue, ready to come out and detonate.

The kiss was pure and innocent. A symbol of love and affection.

 _Could I truly love Dan?_ The thought ran rampant through his mind, he wasn't sure. He was only sure of right here and right now.

Dan's hand stayed on Phil's cheek, melting the cold away. He could finally see the future, it was a clear as the lake down the street on a cloudless day, as the window in the foyer when the suns rays leaked through the blinds. He finally felt right, he felt real. For the first time, he knew what he needed. It was love,

it was hope,

it was warmth,

And it was Dan.

"Dan." He whispered urgently against his mouth.

He pulled away to stare at him, to really look. Everything about him was warm, his lips, his skin, his eyes. He could melt away the cold in the dead of winter, he could mimic the feeling of the suns rays on you in a single glance. He wasn't cold and emotionless like he would like everyone to believe.

"Dan don't run if I say this okay?"

"Depends, are you pregnant?"

Phil could have smacked him for ruining a perfectly wonderful moment.

"No you dork, it's serious and I think that it will freak you out and scare you away. It might be too much."

Phil's heart beat frantically in his chest, this was it.

The grenade sat on the tip of his tongue. Ten seconds to impact,

ten,

nine,

eight,

 _Will he run? He wouldn't stay, you're not worth it,_ Phil thought.

seven.

six,

five,

This was it, five seconds to impact.

four,

three,

two,

He pulled the pin, and the perfect world of Dan and Phil was blown into oblivion.

One.

"I love you." The words hung in the air, it felt like a thousand gallons of water being forced out of his lungs leaving his mouth dry, with a lump like he'd just tried to dry swallow a pill.

Dan sat there, Phil couldn't read his expression. There was too many things happening all at once.

"Dan please say something." He said, his voice diminished to a small whisper, words were getting lost, he couldn't find the right ones to say anymore. He messed everything up, he was alone again.

"I-I don't." Dan started, it was as if all vocabulary was lost. There wasn't a word in the English dictionary to describe his feelings.

"Please?" Phil said,

small and frail just like his mother.

"I have to go." Dan,

harsh and angry just like his fathers.

He got up so fast the grass beneath them blew in his wake.

Phil stood up, grabbing his hand, trying to make him stay.

"Dan, I'm sorry please you can't leave me like this. You don't have to say it back, I need you Dan please don't." Phil' pleaded, he was struggling to breathe. His own words were choking him, drowning him.

"Phil." Dan said, trying to make him understand. His eyes were brimming with tears of his own, he was trying to say something but he couldn't get the words out quite right. His brain failed him as he could only say Phil's name, over and over.

Big fat salty drops of water rushed down his cheeks, staining them with despair.

"But you're supposed to say it back. You're supposed to say "I love you too Phil" and we could run away together."

"And you weren't supposed to have a wife!" Dan fired back. The ropes crawled up his throat, twisting his words, spitting hatred and lies into his purity. He didn't mean them, Phil was sure of it. He had to be lying, this had to be the ropes talking not him.

"You were supposed to be the mysterious stranger on the bridge and I was supposed to meet you and fuck you and leave. I was supposed to be done with you months ago. I let my guard down, clearly that was a mistake as you can't move on from whatever fantasy you're living in. I can't run away with you, I can't love you I will not let myself. It's like you weren't even listening all those times I've told you that. You were leading me on for your own little game, I was wrong Phil this was selfish of you, this was selfish and stupid and I don't want to be around to see the aftermath."

Phil knew,

he knew these words weren't lies. This wasn't the ropes,

This was the truth,

and it hurt more than any lie could.

Phil didn't answer, how could you argue? How could you deny the irrefutable naked truth? It was exposing itself right there, showing off all of Phil's lies and hurt for the world to see. The world knew that Phil wasn't the poor lonely guy who trapped himself in a cage of loneliness and despair, he wasn't the circus monkey, a slave to the cruel whip of the man. He turned himself into the man who bores such a whip, he was the lock on the cage, keeping in the very thing he wanted to set free.

Phil wasn't the hero, maybe he was the one who needed one, not Dan.

Dan shook his head, trying to keep his thoughts in order.

"Phil I can't do this right now. I'm-I refuse to. I'll decide in the morning I just, I need to think Phil I can't do that here."

Phil stood there while Dan collected himself running his hand down his face and wiping his hands on his jacket, leaving behind wet streaks on the brown leather.

"I just, I gotta go Phil. I have to breathe for a second. I'll be back by morning okay?" He offered a small, yet genuine, smile.

Phil nodded his head, "Yeah, okay bye."

Phil watched as Dan started the car, bringing it to life with the turn of his keys. Dan turned back to make sure Phil would be alright. He offered him a halfhearted wave, it made the self hatred burn a hole in Phil's heart that the ropes gladly filled. With that he turned around, heading back into the house, unable to face heart break any longer.

 


	9. Your Heart Aches For the Famous Break

Phil tossed and turned all night, he couldn't shake the feeling that they wouldn't be the same when he got back. That there would be no "us" to worry about any longer. Part of him was relived, that things would finally go back to normal and he could leave all of this behind him, start over even. But most of him longed for the safety of Dan's arms and the warmth they brought with them. Dan had finally let Phil in. He had really got to know Dan these past few weeks and he wasn't about to let all of that go.

Dan came home late in the afternoon, later than he said. He was looking worn out and exhausted. Phil put his coffee mug down and turned his attention towards him in the doorway, sitting up straighter at the sight of the practically unrecognizable Daniel. His skin was placid and far from his usual tan complexion, and he looked like he would break at the slightest touch. His hair a curly greasy mess. He needed a bath or two, and maybe a blanket to cuddle under. Phil really needed to get a grip.

"Hey." He said, shrugging his jacket off.

"Sara's not home yet?" He asked.

Phil honestly forgot about it, he felt a sudden pang of guilt but quickly snubbed it, shaking his head. Dan started moving closer to him. Phil stood up from the chair he was sitting in so he was at eye level with him.

Dan gently slid his hands around Phil's hips, lowering his head down to the crook of his neck, just taking a minute to be with him.

"Did you decide yet?" Phil asked after a minuet or two.

Dan didn't say anything, he just pressed his lips against his, letting his actions speak for him.

The kiss became more and more heated. The argument from last night long forgotten. Dan pressed his chest against Phil's, trying to get impossibly closer.

His breaths were sharp and heavy with desire, not for sex but for something else Phil couldn't quite figure out.

Dan was running on autopilot, his movements slow and messy.

He slid his hand underneath Phil's shirt, just trying to feel all of him. Phil moaned unashamedly at the contact, letting Dan have his way with him for a moment.

Dan lifted Phil's shirt, it looked as if he was seeing him for the first time. Maybe in some way, he was.

He placed an open mouth kiss sloppily on Phil's shoulders,

closer.

closer,

never close enough.

Phil tugged at Dan's shirt, practically begging to have his hands run across his chest.

Dan obeyed, wanting nothing but to please Phil.

Arousal became practically painful, Phil needed Dan. He needed to prove he wasn't a liar and a cheat. He cares for him and he needed to show him that.

He whispered against his ear,

"I need you, I need you so bad."

Dan took his hand in his and walked up the stairs towards the bedroom that desperately needed something other than false intimacy to fill the space. Its sheets practically begging to be covered with real true love.

They stood in the center of the room, locked in a sudden trance of desire. Dan's arms were firmly wrapped around his waist as he grinded against his thigh. Phil stood there running his hands up and down his arms, wanting to give Dan something he'd never had,

intimacy.

They were stripped of their clothes, skin on skin, breaths mixing, emotions swirling.

Phil laid Dan onto the bed and kissed him with a passion he had never known before. Dan covered his bare stomach and Phil grabbed them, pulling them away.

"Why did you do that?" Phil asked.

"Do what?"

"Cover your stomach."

"Oh, I just don't like it I guess. It's not like I have abs or anything. It's nothing worth seeing. It's embarrassing actually."

Phil lowered himself down towards the soft surface of his chest and stomach. He began kissing every inch of it to prove there was nothing to be ashamed of.

He brought his lips back up to his.

"You're so beautiful Dan, you're perfect to me."

Dan kissed him with new found confidence, flipping them so he was on top.

"Dan teach me, show me what to do." Phil moaned.

Dan showed him how to fuck, and Phil showed him how to love.

Dan's moans above him drove him further into this hungry trance, like he couldn't get enough of him.

Phil sat still for a moment, the two just enjoying the feeling of being this close, this intimate. Dan nodded giving him the okay to move.

He rocked back and forth, filling Dan up.

"Fuck Phil, s'good, so good." He moaned, his hands grabbing the headboard as Phil sped up with his words of encouragement.

He left marks as he ran his fingernails across Dan's tanned flesh, unused to the feeling of, for once, enjoying something so pure and so right. He moaned, throwing his head back onto the soft pillow in ecstasy.

His name fell elegantly from Dan's lips like a mantra in his brain. He leaned forward and nipped at his earlobe experimentally. Phil groaned, lost in complete bliss.

Phil whispered in Dan's ear, his breath hot and full of desire.

"Feels so good Dan, fuck you're so amazing."

Dan could only nod in agreement, totally lost to whatever Phil had just said.

"Look so beautiful, shaking mess is what you are. You're a wreck Dan fuck, but if you don't look so good."

Dan stared down at Phil, taking in the way his hair stuck to his forehead in clumps, his uneven breaths, all caused by Dan.

"I love you too." Dan said, Phil didn't stop, it only drove him further.

He wrapped his arms around Dan's neck and he sat up, trying to take in as much as he could of him. Chests pressed together but not close enough, Dan wrapped his arm around Phil's back, their hearts beating so close they were almost one entity.

Phil kissed him, his moans lost in the other mans lips. They were worlds away from anybody else, they were completely in tune with each other, the perfect mix of love and lust.

"I love you." Dan repeated, getting used to the way the words formed on his tongue.

"I love you Phil, I love you,

I love you,

I love you."

The words got caught in his moans, desperate and pleading. They all of a sudden didn't feel like enough.

Dan buried his head in his neck as he climaxed, Phil helping him through, rocking back and forth until he followed suit.

They sat there like that for a while, Dan's head rested on Phil's shoulder, just taking in everything.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

.............

Limbs entwined with one another, bodies covered in sweat. Love and lust swam thick in the atmosphere.

Phil looked down to see Dan was awake, playing with his knuckles.

Phil reached for them, running this own fingers across the bruised and bloodied surface.

"Is that were you went? When you left, did you go to the ring?"

Dan nodded, Phil noticed he wasn't moving his shoulder and he reached out to touch it. Dan shrugged away from his touch and winced.

Phil kissed away the pain and motioned for him to get up. The sheets fell to reveal Dan's body, perfect to the unknowing eye, but Phil could see the damage, he knew it that well.

He turned on he bathroom light and twisted the shower handle, the water came spraying out, freezing to the touch. Dan held his shoulder, he was hurting. If only Phil had known, he didn't even notice he was in pain that afternoon.

He stepped in and grabbed Dan's free hand, inviting him into the warmth with him.

He grabbed the soap and washed away the blood and grime from a day of heartbreak. Dan sighed into his touch, relishing in the soothing water cascading down his torso.

Phil massaged the soap into his curled brown locks, careful to get every strand.

"I'm sorry." Dan whispered, melting underneath the warmth of Phil's love.

Phil slid his hands under his face so tenderly it was as if he could save him from falling with a single touch.

He kissed his cheek bones first, then his chin, next his nose, and finally his forehead.

"You don't have to be sorry."

"You don't have to not anymore."

If a tear slipped down the younger man's face he couldn't tell for the showers heat concealed his sadness from his ego, and the heats mist saved their pure sweet love from the wrath of the world.


	10. Every End Has a Beginning

Monday hit Phil like a punch to the gut.

Punch,

kick,

hit.

"Why do you have to go to work today?"

"I need money Dan."

"I know but you could just stay home today, call in sick or something."

"I did that on Friday. I can't just call in and skip a whole day of income just for you Dan. I'm sorry the world doesn't revolve around you."

Dan was desperate for Phil to stay, he was trying everything he could. It was either he continued to be a whiny brat about this or tell the truth. He was never very good at that though, was he?

"Phil." He sighed, rolling his eyes as Phil got more and more angry by the minute.

"Dan I already said I'm not going to stay home, knock it off God, what is up with you?"

Phil saw a flash of something in the man's brown eyes, it looked to be pure unfiltered sadness.

"Phil please." He said quietly this time.

Phil shook his head and stormed out,

he heard crying as he shut the door, he was sure of it.

As he walked passed the coffee shop Phil caught his reflection in the cafe window, dark and almost invisible. Phil knew this was how everyone looked in this window, but he couldn't help but feel like his was more so than the others.

The barista greeted him as usual and he got his coffee to go, in and out as quick as ever.

He couldn't help but think of Dan, how mysterious he was. He was the one that almost got away, truly. Phil didn't know what was going on with him this morning but he was sure to make it up to him later.

He opened the handle to the door which had been thoroughly frosted over from last nights unforgiving frigid air.

Phil was greeted with the familiar face of the receptionist and he smiled despite the costumer screaming through the speaker about stocks.

As he sat at his desk he put aside his coffee and pulled out a legal pad and began making a list for things he would need for tonight.

1) Candles (sage)

2) Spices

3) tomato sauce

4) ...

He tapped his pen against the paper trying to think of anything else he would need when Darla peered over his shoulder from the desk behind him. He could feel her intrusive mint induced breath much to closely on his shoulder, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. He shuddered under the uncomfortable closeness of her presence and shrank down into his chair hiding the pad of paper from her view.

"Well that's not a rough draft article on the local bakery, is it Phillip?"

He hated that name.

"Well no, not exactly. I'm planning something for later on tonight, the rough draft is practically done I will hand it in by the end of the day." He tried to cram the paper into his desk draws but her long, overworked fingers were quicker than he thought.

"Let's see what does our Phillip need? Candles and spices? Ooh it sounds like a date how lovely." She said, making sure to draw out the word "lovely" from her apple red chapped lips.

Phil still hated that name.

He squirmed underneath her gaze like a worm who knows the early bird is about to swoop in for the kill.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

"You and Sara are going to have a wonderful time tonight aren't you?"

He didn't answer knowing it wasn't really a question.

"Now wait a minute? I recall a little birdie telling me that she wasn't supposed to be home until Tuesday, isn't that right?" Phil could see her big brain turning away, her big brain full of words and editing tools. A sopping wet lumpy mass sitting in her tiny skull that could destroy a mans world with the right information.

"Who-who told you that?"

"Now that's not for me to say."

Jane, no doubt it was her. Before Dan, he had told Jane about the trip Sara was going on. Jane loved gossip, it wasn't her fault really. She had this compulsive need to tell everyone everything.

"Darla please don't do this." Phil's voice diminished to a pleading whisper.

He watched as she prepared to drop the grenade, exploding Phil's entire life right before his eyes.

A smile full of wickedness and cruelty splayed across her face as she pulled the pin.

Prepare for impact,

three,

two,

one.

"You're a fucking queer aren't you?"

Boom.

The color drained from the Phil's face, his heart plummeting into his stomach. The ropes swimming through his veins and towards his heart.

"Darla please, you don't understand."

"I'm going to have to fire you."

"You don't have the right to do that! On what grounds are you firing me on exactly? Firing me for homosexuality won't fly with the public Darla."

"I'm firing you for sexual advancements in the work place." She said, lies spewing from her cracked lips like phlegm.

Phil shot up from his chair.

"When have I ever made sexual advancements in the work place?"

Darla ever so casually leaned back in her chair, twirling a pen around her perfectly manicured fingers.

"Right now. You're putting your hand up my skirt, whispering things in my ear. Right this very instance you're running your fingers down my spine, unzipping my dress."

She stopped twirling and stared directly into Phil's eyes.

"I'm sorry to do this Phillip, I really am. You were such a nice guy too."

He really hated that name.

With that she let out a blood curdling scream, loud enough to disintegrate a thousand windows, loud enough to break a million glasses.

Loud enough to shatter Phil's heart and crush his soul.

Everything after that happened in slow motion it seemed.

People pushed and shoved around Phil to get to Darla who was weeping into her palms. Lies and deceit oozed from her finger tips and crawled into Phil's heart, hurting him in ways she didn't know possible.

He watched as she looked up, dark lines streaking from her eyes down to her cheeks from cheap mascara.

He watched as she pointed her finger still wet with false tears in Phil's direction. He stood there, helpless and innocent as the stares dug into him like daggers.

Everyone swarmed around him and pushed and shoved. A hand grabbed his shoulder, another around his hands and neck. The hands pushed him outside into the street, insults and cold words slamming into his chest.

"Disgusting."

"I should have known you were a freak."

"You should be ashamed."

"Darla didn't deserve this."

"You are scum."

"You are nothing."

The worst part is that they don't even know the real reason why he is all of these things.

He stood there frozen under winters touch, his hands grasping his shoulders in a frail attempt to deliver warmth to his body.

Darla's silhouette appeared in the door as she opened it, her make up had been fixed and her auburn hair sat perfectly in her bun as if nothing had happened to cause her any distress. Which was all but false.

She looked cool, calm, and collected compared to Phil's rumbled figure. His jacket falling off his shoulders and his shirt wrinkled form the hands of his new found enemies. His hair was stuck to his cheeks from the tears he didn't know where falling.

"You forgot something on your way out, Phillip." A yellow sheet of paper fluttered to the ground by Phil's feet and he left it sitting there, already knowing he wouldn't need it anyway.

He looked her dead in the eyes and could only say one thing,

"I hate the name Phillip."

...........

Phil sat at the bar, sadness weighing his heart down with the help of alcohol.

Being a writer was his dream job, he planned to get there with that job. Now he was going nowhere. He would forever be stuck on a wander lust loop, his heart longing for what he will never have. Now he's

jobless,

hopeless,

listless,

and worst of all emotionless.

He felt nothing and it was the best he's never felt in a long time.

"Hey man, we're closing." The bartender said, clearing his drink for him.

He shuffled through his wallet but came out with nothing.

"Don't worry about it, you look like you're going through enough." He said, flashing him a polite smile.

Phil thanked him and rushed back out into the cold. As he stumbled back home his phone buzzed in his pocket. His numb fingers fumbled to push the call button and he answered with a slurred hello.

"Phil please come home where are you? I've left you about ten messages already, I got back this afternoon and you didn't come home. Is everything alright?"

Phil checked, it was only seven messages.

"I'm sorry Sara, I'm so sorry."

"Phil?"

"Sara I'll be home soon I'm so sorry."

He heard her chuckle.

"It's alright honey don't worry. Oh and hey, why didn't you tell me Dan moved out?"

Phil's heart dropped.

"He what?"

"You didn't know either? What a strange guy huh? Don't get me wrong, I loved having him here but I'm glad to finally have the house to ourselves."

Phil stood, frozen in shock. He let the ropes choke him, wrapping their tendons around his throat. They stifled his words, turning the heat from them into smoke in his chest.

"I'll be home soon."

"Phil? Is everything oka-" He ended the call right in the middle of her sentence.

He braced himself against the freezing winds and ran down the narrow streets of Rhuddlan towards the only place that's given him sanity.

He put his fingers on the frost coated surface of the bridge railing and leaned into the wind, uncaring of the burning sensation the cold brought to his cheeks. He gripped the railing so hard his knuckles turned white.

"Dan how could you do this to me?" He shouted at the sea, waves crashing to the rhythm of his heart break.

"I never deserved this."

"I loved you!"

Nobody could hear him, nobody. Not Dan, not Sara. He was alone once again, and probably forever.

"Dan please come back to me." His voice a small whisper lost to the sounds of the sea.

"I love you please come back."

He swore he felt his arms around him, but it was only the wind. He was alone, and that hurt more than anything that could have happened to him today.

..........

"Phil?"

It was two o'clock in the morning and Phil hadn't closed his eyes once. He lay there, staring up at the ceiling, a gaping whole in his heart where Dan's love used to be.

"Phil please tell me what's wrong."

There was no answer.

She sat up, turning on the lamp beside her.

"I'm not sleeping until you talk to me. I'm your wife Phil please." A small sob got caught in her throat as tears began dripping down her smooth face.

Phil got up at the sight of this, he hated seeing her cry, he hated himself more for being the cause of it.

He ran his thumb across her cheek, taking away the sadness. She smiled and leaned into his touch. Despite their distance lately, she really loved him.

She brought her hand up and took Phil's, running her small fingers through his much larger ones.

"Phil I've missed you."

"I know."

"What happened to us?"

"I don't know."

"What happened to you?"

He sighed, he didn't have an answer for that. Not one that she'd want to hear.

"I can't say."

She continued smiling, despite the tears forming in her eyes.

"I love you Phil."

He nodded.

"But you don't love me, do you? Not how you used to."

He shook his head, he had nothing left to lose. Someone would tell her eventually, most likely Darla.

"Sara I do love you, god do I love you. But I-"

"You love someone more."

Phil's heart froze, what if she already knew? It wouldn't be that much of a surprise. Phil was never very good at lying.

"What is she like?" She asked, looking down at their hands intertwined, unable to make eye contact with him. She wanted to make them work, she loved Phil that much that she's willing to listen, willing to forget his infidelity.

I am truly disgusting. Phil thought, unable to bear the thought of admitting the whole truth to his wrong doing. He was a disgusting fag like everyone always told him he was, right?

Then he thought, maybe Sara wouldn't hate him for that. If she can accept this, maybe she can accept that too. He didn't want to push it but he had no choice.This was his only chance to cut the ropes, to be happy. For real this time. He owes this to his teenage self, to Dexa who cut their ropes a long time ago, to the little boy trapped by his own self hatred that not even a cigarette could help his escape from.

"Phil please, you don't have to hide anything anymore. It's okay because I still love you. No matter how much you hurt me I will always love you Phil so it's okay. It's okay to tell me now, tell me because I need to know. It's killing me Phil, it's eating me from the inside out and I need to know. What does she have that I don't? I need to know, you need to tell me so I can get past this."

She was crying now, shoulder shaking, hiccuping, tears streaming sobs.

Phil sat there, useless and broken.

"Sara,"

"No excuses, no bullshit. I need the truth Phil. I don't care what you say I just need the truth so I can sleep at night."

He nodded, she wasn't going to expect this. She didn't know how bad the situation truly was. He took a deep breath and dove in, ready to face the cold waters of the oceans he'd never see. Ready to feel the winds of the skies he'd never touch, the words of the people he'd never meet. All because of a love he never deserved.

"I'm cheating on you."

She sighed,

"I know."

"I just needed to say it out loud. It's more real that way."

"I know that too."

"Do you love her Phil, that's what I need to hear."

He nodded.

She bobbed her head up and down, chocking back tears. She bite her lip to keep the sobs from escaping her throat.

"Okay." She said, her voice raspy and small.

"I honestly never thought you'd do this Phil."

He braced himself for impact, here it comes, the cold words he'd been waiting for.

"I love you. I gave you so much. How come you did it? Am I not good enough for you? I don't understand what I did to you Phil."

Phil didn't dare cry, he didn't deserve to.

"Phil answer me right now, tell me why."

"Did this happen because of Dan? You started acting like this ever since he came into our lives. Is it his fault somehow?" Anger dripped from every word, he could see her blood practically boiling.

Phil nodded. It was Dan's fault, technically.

"How?" Her voice was sharp and pierced Phil's ears. He didn't want her to be angry with him, it was better than sad he supposed.

"Sara you'll hate me."

"Phil I can't. No matter how much I wan't to. I love you and I always will." She gripped his hand tighter.

"That's the problem."

She tilted her head the the side.

"Sara I can't love you like I should. Like a husband should love his wife. I can't do it anymore, I can't pretend like I can."

"Did Dan help you realize this?" Her words were considerably less angry now. She was trying to see this from his side, and he loved her for it.

Phil paused, unsure of how to answer this.

"Phil?" Her fingers slipped under his chin, tilting his head back up to hers, their eyes locking.

He let her see the tears threatening to spill over, to unveil his hurt and pain that he's kept in for so long.

He nodded,

"Yeah?"

"You love him don't you?"

His heart exploded.

He loved Dan, he loved him so much it burned, but here he was sitting in front of the person everyone was telling him to love, and he couldn't even pretend to say he felt the same anymore.

"You mean Dan?"

She nodded

"Um."

He looked into her eyes, so filled with love. She was still clingy to the fantasy that this was all fake. That Phil never loved someone else, the possibility of him cheating on her was all a dream. The thought of him being with a man was preposterous. This was all over shadowed by her undying love for her husband, and Phil wished she would just give all of that love for him up.

"Phil, do you love Dan."

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

Crash, went the waves of the oceans.

Crash,

Crash,

Crash.

"Sara, I'm so sorry."

She grabbed both of his hands.

"It's okay, it's okay because we will get through this. No matter what I will always love you. I just want you to be happy."

"I do love you Sara, I love you so much for loving me. I don't love you the way I should. You're my best friend and I couldn't live without you but, I can't love you like that. I'm so sorry-"

She wrapped her arms around him,

"You don't have to pretend anymore Phil. Not with me. If I can do one thing for you it's try to make you happy."

They held each other tight until the sun's rays touched their skin and woke their minds from the haze of last night.

...........

Phil wouldn't leave the house for days. He couldn't show his face without being humiliated and everything his eyes touched reminded him of Dan. Sara tried her best to get him to move around but depression threatened to strangle him if he did.

"Phil why don't you fin a new job? Like the old one, you loved that job."

"I already told you why I can't go back."

"Yeah but you can find a new one can't you?" She asked, sitting across the kitchen table from him.

He sighed, he couldn't keep worrying her like this. He knew he would have to get out eventually.

So Phil reluctantly pulled himself together and tried his best to do this one thing for Sara. He gathered up some clean clothes and headed into the shower. The most dignifying thing about crying in the shower, Phil thinks, is that you can't tell the difference between your tears and the scalding hot water gushing down your face.

"Come back soon okay?" She helped him put on his overcoat and smoothed out the collar, letting her hands linger for a minute. Phil grabbed them and held them for a moment, he gave her a small smile and headed out the door for the first time in weeks.

"How come I haven't seen you here lately? We've missed you." The barista said, handing him his coffee.

"Break up." He replied hastily, and handed over his money. She smiled sympathetically and he tried to give her his best fake smile back.

He began walking to work out of habit and he hadn't realized until the big brick building came into view.

He turned around and sighed, scuffing his shoes on the pavement. As he passed the bar he noticed a group of guys pointing at him. They jumped up off of their stools, running over in Phil's direction. He quickened his pace hoping to avoid the encounter, his coat swishing behind his heels.

"Hey fag where do you think you're going?"

He spun around only to collide with an iron fist wielding cold insults. He felt the ground beneath him and instinctively covered his nose with his hand. He saw crimson as he took it away, trying to pull himself back up.

Another blow, this time to the stomach.

"Do you think you can just get away with what you've done?"

Phil's hands shielded his face from the unforgiving steel toe boot.

"Look whatever you heard, it isn't true!"

Phil didn't recognize any of these men, which meant word had already spread around town that he was a dick loving sexual predator. Only half of that was true.

"Really?" One of the four men said, leaning down so his face was level with Phil's.

"Cause' that's not what we heard."

The warmth of his breath and the strong scent of alcohol made Phil want to vomit.

He grabbed Phil's shirt, bunching it up and slammed his fist into his cheek, letting Phil fall to the ground once again.

Phil raised his arms above his head as the men kicked and punched and spit. The spitting was the worst part, it made him feel as if he was nothing but dirt, like he was an animal. He couldn't even hear the cruel words they spat at him over the sound of his own self hatred.

He listened helplessly as one man screamed, and watched the horror in their eyes as they turned back to see the events unfolding before them.

"Jack watch out!"

"What the fuck!"

"Get out of the way you're ruining this!"

"Who the hell are you?"

Phil cowered on the ground as he heard them run off, too afraid to look up. He waited for the man above him to deliver his own beating, instead he simply reached his hand out to help him up.

Phil took it, noting the callouses and bruised knuckles. His eyes trailed up the leather jacket, his heart hammering in his chest. He could smell the familiar scent of old leather and after shave and his heart felt whole once more.

Tears welled in Phil's eyes, the man's features were illuminated by the soft glow of the street light but Phil knew them all too well.

It didn't matter what happened before. Phil was finally safe,

he was whole,

he was home.

 

"Dan?"


	11. Coming Soon From a Writer Near You

 

 Yes I know I'm sorry. I've ended it on a cliffhanger.

However have no fear, there will be a sequel!

.

 The official starting date is January 25th! I will be releasing a new chapter everyday making the end date somewhere around February 9th (this date is an estimate of course)

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you stick around for the next update!

 


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